Alison’s Stevenson’s Movie Pitches, Volume 1

01.22.13 5 years ago 26 Comments

George Lucas on the phone with me.

Movie Ideas For Hollywood To Make Movies With

As you might already know, I drink a lot of alcohol and have a lot of brilliant ideas while doing so. Most of the ideas are for movies I am going to write and/or pitch to fancy executives in Hollywoodland. I write my ideas down on napkins, coasters, and one time on a leaf. I figured I’d share them, and even elaborate on some of them. I also found cool posters for the films on Shutterstock. Read on if you are interested in reading on.

Goth Cops!

This one came to me at a bar one night in Oakland. Part of me thinks I might have been trying to write Garth Brooks but it came out looking a lot more like Goth Cops so I am sticking to it.

Tagline:  Crime is a disease and these cops have The Cure.

Summary: This is a buddy cop film obviously, but the catch is that they’re both goths. Like, instead of going crazy for donuts, they lose their shit over eyeliner and studded bracelets from Hot Topic. The officers, Jim Glum and Tom Moody are caught between a rock and a sad place when they’re told they have to find and arrest one of their idols, original Bauhaus front man Peter Murphy. Murphy is accused of murdering his manager while on tour in the states. The two are on a mission to find Murphy but when they do, do they arrest him or help him escape? An action-packed tragicomedy filled with epic car chase scenes as well as an epic hanging-out-in-the-cemetery-for-six–hours-to-think-about-life-scene.

cool goth art

That’s Death Yo?

confused man holding bowl of chips

Tagline: This idiot thought he was going to live forever, like a wizard or something.

Summary: This would ideally be a Judd Apatow-produced comedy about some chubby white dude named Zack or something. He’s a 34-year-old man-child with no real life goals or aspirations; all he does is smoke weed all day and chill with his best bros (three other white dudes and a black guy who doesn’t get many funny lines). Things change for him when he meets a gorgeous woman named Harriet, who is a recent widow. It’s at this point we learn that Zack has no idea what it means to be a widow. In fact, he has no idea what it means to be dead! Now his friends have to teach him about mortality, but Zack doesn’t get it! Climax of the film is reached when Zack learns his parents have been dead since he was 11, and not really sent to live on a farm like his Uncle Jack told him. Once he “gets” death he is able to be with Harriet even though she is way too good for him, and far more attractive. Ah, but you know how those beautiful, successful, independent women just love going for sloppy immature losers!

Hulk Remake

this was the result upon searing for “deformed man”

This is the one I wrote on a leaf.

Tagline: Society isn’t ready for his jelly, which is really just his ugly appearance.

Summary: Yes, another hulk movie. Sorry, but this one is going to be way different. I want this hulk character to be even more humanized. For instance, instead of turning green and getting bigger, he is just this deformed person with a giant bulbous face. This hulk is constantly scrutinized by society for being different. They think of him as an ugly monster, and treat him like an animal. We learn that this “monster” is in fact very intelligent but it’s too late. He is doomed to be a sideshow freak, regardless of how much intelligence he exhibits. I’d try to get David Lynch to direct this one. Have it set in the 1800s and be in black and white. Trying to get a Oscar nod, y’all! I shouldn’t even call it The Hulk, but something more true to his freakish, animal-like appearance. Something like “Scary Freak Guy” or “Rhino Man.”

Ryan Gosling Sleeping Comfortably

Gosling’s stunt double.

Tagline: ZZZzzzZZZ tehehe ZZZZzzzzZZZZ

Summary: So Ryan Gosling is sleeping, right? He’s on a giant bed by himself and hopefully drooling. What if he mumbles in his sleep about kittens or ice cream sandwiches or something? Ah! That’d be so cute! Could we add that in post? How about we get this sucker in 3D too, so men and women in the audience can reach out and try to touch his soft pretty face.


Okay so one night I got real drunk in my room and I guess when I’m in a certain type of drunken state my biological clock starts ticking cause I wrote down these movie ideas within the same hour:

  • A baby as Miss Daisy in Driving Miss Daisy. Rename it Baby On Board.
  • A baby that rides a skateboard everywhere. Well, really just around the house cause it’s a baby and can’t really go anywhere. Possible title: Baby on Sk8Board.
  • A baby is the president of the United States. Call it, First Baby.
  • A baby rides a motorcycle. Same idea as the skateboard thing but funnier cause it would be all around the house making a mess and driving through walls and stuff. Let’s call it Hog Baby.
  • A baby that lifts weights real good. He is a legit pro lifter. Can lift all day every day. Add in some sort of joke about being breast fed muscle milk. Tentative title: Buff Baby.
  • Look Who’s Talking 3!!


I Do What I Want

Mr. Cool

Tagline: Women be shoppin’… for a gun… cause they want to kill this guy after a date with him!

Summary: Danny Cabrera is the world’s best insult comic. He seems to have it all: Money, fame, wealth, fame. However, there is one thing he is sorely missing, and that’s love. Problem is, every time he’s on a date, he finds it in his nature to be a total asshole. He can’t help it. He has to criticize everything his date does and thinks of it as flirting.

“Waiter, can you believe this chick ordering lasagna? I’m on a date with motherf*ckin Garfield! I bet you don’t even got a job you goddamn piece of crap excuse for a woman! Ha! So what do you like to do for fun? I bet you like to jog. Man, I can’t stand people that jog! It’s like either walk or run. Can’t do both at the same time! Ha! You so sad. Your life so sad. I bet you got a cat. Yeah single, pathetic women like you love their cats too goddamn much. You give him baths and shit? It’s cause you don’t got kids right? You need something to love you unconditionally so you’re forcing some stupid little animal to do it. Am I right or am I right?”

The waiters always laugh, but sadly every date ends with a beverage being thrown at his face. He goes home and cries into his pillow, cursing God for making him a weak and shallow being unable to shed himself of the one thing that defines him. Then he meets some lady who is also mean and it all works out! He narrowly escapes having to change himself for the better. Phew!!!

Frasier Krane in Space Fighting Space Sharks In Space

“Scary Shark”

So this one I wrote on a train ride back home from San Francisco while pretty messed up on shrooms with an Okcupid date.

Tagline: Who Let The Sharks Out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Frasier Crane did! That’s Who!

Summary: Frasier Crane has to use his wit and neuroses for good in this sci-fi thriller. He has been sent to Mars by the King of Mars (it’s a medieval planet) to help the King get rid of his fear of dolphins. They go to Medieval Mars Sea World, and there, Frasier forces the King to swim with an old, seemingly harmless dolphin named Pal. The King reluctantly dives in, and is instantly devoured by the hungry dolphin. Frasier kills the dolphin with his bare hands. The blood spewing from the dolphin is so bountiful and has a stench so strong that it attracts a gang of sharks floating in space. They get to Mars within minutes and start attacking everyone on the planet. Frasier now needs to put his therapy skills to use. He channels the spirit of Pavlov himself, and is able to condition the sharks into thinking that when they hear the sound of a bell, it means their fathers are there to visit them soon and tell them that they’re proud of them. The sharks all gang up in a corner of Mars and wait patiently for their shark dads to show up. The dads don’t show up though, obviously. Frasier just nukes those suckers into oblivion. Those stupid space sharks totally get owned so hard haha.

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