09.23.09 8 years ago 7 Comments

It is with swollen balls and hairy chaffed palms that I report this sad news: the entertainment agency CAA has just acquired the rights to Archie Comics Publications. As if the concept of a redheaded teen hooking up with chicks wasn’t already asinine enough on paper, Archie and his pals may soon make their way to the big screen. Per Variety:

Archie Comics Publications has signed with CAA. The agency will seek to create branded entertainment opportunities in film and TV in much the way that it has for toymaker Mattel.

Well, at least they’re managing to respect the integrity of the Archie franchise. I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about toys here, we’re talking about…about…wait, did they just say f–king “Mattel”?

The Archie Comics pact comes as Hollywood is quickly gobbling [great verb, BTK – Ed.] up established branded properties, as evidenced by Disney’s pending acquisition of Marvel Entertainment and Warner Bros.’ recent exec overhaul of DC Comics.

So what you’re really trying to say is that entertainment agencies be shoppin’??? Well look, in all honesty, I think I’d actually welcome a big screen debut of Archie, because I definitely know of two key plot points they’d have to include in the script:

  1. Jughead eating himself all the way to type 2 diabetes,
  2. Betty and Veronica finally working together to make Archie that money (see reference clip).


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