There are movies that miss their marks, and there are movies that try too hard. Some films get mangled and butchered in rewrites, while others are the victims of directors, writers, and actors that don’t share a vision. Some motion pictures were simply doomed from the beginning, either the products of ideas that couldn’t be brought to fruition or simply serving as cash machines for producers and studio executives that have no shame. And some movies? Some movies just f*cking suck more than the rest.
With a lot of these specific year-end lists, you’re going to mostly see the same offenders. That’s why I tried my hardest not to read any as I was putting my list of 10 films and the additional superlatives together. The one list that I did take a look at was TIME’s, because I wanted to see what a respected publication considered its Worst Movies of 2013, and that’s where our reminders of my rules to selecting FilmDrunk’s Worst Movies of 2013 will come into play, because TIME violated rules numero uno and dos:
(If you’re familiar with this annual list, then you know the gist of the rules and can skip the appetizer for dinner.)
1) No more Adam Sandler/Happy Madison films.
2) No sequels.
Obviously, it’s unfair to other bad films to be compared to most Happy Madison films, which is why I created this rule after Grown Ups took the top spot in 2010. Hell, Jack and Jill and That’s My Boy were both awful enough to dominate all-decade lists. It’s also unfair, because those movies simply aren’t meant to be good, as much as they’re intended for Sandler and his cronies to tell their jokes and cash in on them. They serve a certain audience and to those fans, they’re actually good movies, despite the lack of originality and respect for comedy.
Sequels, of course, aren’t fair because they’re almost always worse than the original films, so they have a built-in advantage. In fact, there were several sequels in 2013 that could have topped this year’s list, including a third installment from a franchise that could have topped the 2011 list with its first sequel.
Additional rules that we adhere to include:
- No Seltzer/Friedberg films. I won’t even watch that trash for the sake of belittling it anymore.
- No Madea films (which takes A Madea Christmas out of the running).
- It can’t be a personal thing, as in I can’t destroy a film because I hate the actor.
- No indies.
- Only one romantic comedy is allowed.
- One starring role per actor. For example, I could have White House Down and This is the End on this list, because while Channing Tatum is in both, he’s not the star of both. (You’ll see this only applies to one actor this year, and you should be able to guess without reading past this point.)
- I’m just being honest.
As always, I want to disclose the fact that I do not consider myself to be a film critic. The only movie that I’ve ever reviewed for this site was That’s My Boy, because it was so bad that I needed to put my thoughts about it on a Word doc for the sake of therapy. I am simply a guy who likes watching movies. And sometimes those movies suck.