If you’re not aware, “Chet Haze” is the nom de rap employed by Tom Hanks’ second son, Chester, currently a theater-majoring fraternity dude at Northwestern. Long story short, he’s a human caricature, and he’s endlessly entertaining. Yesterday, Tom Hanks’ youngest son, Truman, did an AMA on Reddit, where the following exchange took place:
[–]Thanksy[S]
Haha I love Chet! He was a lot bigger than me when we were younger, so
when I annoyed him (which was a lot) he would rough me up (a lot). But
now that we are older, we are very close, like I am with Colin and
Elizabeth.As for his music, I like some of it and other not so much. Hollywood
is good. I’ve never been one for hip-hop, except for some exceptions
in a few songs.[–]chethaze
Love you bro. Surprised to see you on the front page! Congrats.[–]ThaBomb
Holy moly, this is actually Chet. I just went through his post
history, and about 80% are posts on gonewild trying to pick up girls,
15% are cool stories from being around celebrities so often, and 5%
are pics of his bongs posted in /r/trees.
Obviously, we have no way of knowing whether http://www.reddit.com/user/chethaze is the real Chet Haze, but if it isn’t, it’s the most brilliant parody in the history of parodies, and the author must not be particularly interested in his work being read, because immediately after the above exchange, Reddit’s “Chet Haze” started a thread about how to delete his commenting history. Thankfully he didn’t figure that out before I got to it, because it is amazing. Let’s just say ThaBomb’s characterization is fairly accurate. I’ve compiled my favorites after the jump, in sections.
Compliments to Cam Girls (all on different posts)
So amazing girl.
I’ve got a weak spot for that pose in image 5. We need more, sexy lady.
You gotta be kidding girl, that ass is amazing.
More of this please. Love the look and your body.
Soooo Hot! Friended. Hope to see more in the future.
She’s hot
That was amazing. I love the anal stuff. Don’t see too much of that around. Would love to check out more.
Props to you for doing that. I’d love it if my girl did that.
I’d love to stroke it girl.
You can laser hair removal your ass? Does that hurt?
PERFECT Girl. You should come to Chicago. I’d love to take you out.
That girl is hot, they should let the show go on.
I’d make it overflow. Just sayin [From a post entitled “my p*ssy a(f)ter the hubby was finished pounding and filling it.”]
Girl I’d go for a drive with you on the 405 at 5pm.
Big fan Hayden, would you ever appear in a music video? [From an AMA with adult star Kayden Kross]
So hot. Just went through your pics girl. Keep it up. Sexy as hell.
Girl you are so fine. You should come out to Chicago. Love to take you out some time.
She’s hot bro. Got more pics?
I’ll lick it girl.
So amazing. I’m fascinated by the psychology of people who crave actual interaction with their porn. “Nice sex! High five?” You think he actually called Kayden Kross “Hayden” on accident, or was that just a diabolical, Mystery-style negging pick-up strategy? I’m leaning towards the latter.
Which brings us to our next subheading…
Stories about Encounters with Celebrities
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
GOLD, JERRY, GOLD!
Puke? That’s a funny word. Can I use that?
After reading this, The Mighty Feklahr wants to “laser hair removal” His retinas…
“Haha, yo playboy, like my man Shaggy said, it wudn’t me, right? Get yours. #Kinetik”
Translated: “DADDY! MAKE THE INTERNETS STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! #Kinetik”
Vince, did you ever get that schrote tuck Seymour told you about?
Sure Hanksy is kinda cool, but imagine the potential of Chetsy. We can sell our salvaged-material C-Haze sculptures, trade fingerpaintings of our favorite camgirls spreadin’ cheeks, and post patterns to knit our own ‘beaters. Need some sick arts and shit for the cover of your new white boy beats release? Lick Chetsy.com motherfucker!
Chetsy.com yo. No homo.
I could have told you this is bogus. C-Hazel has totes jacked off with an apple, bro. You see, we’d just finished apple-picking out in Oak Glen with Vin Diesel and on the way back in the Escalazy Giovanni Ribisi was like,”You ever wonder what it’d be like to fuck one of these?”and…
Yo gurl that a fly butthole, holla at ya boi.
Everyone goes on gonewild, but it takes a special breed to comment on those posts.
I think “Chet Haze” on reddit was really author Ronald Chetwynd-Hayes. Sure, he died in 2001, but he was “best known for his ghost stories.”
He didn’t ‘no homo’ after he said he would cum on another dude’s cum? That is foul bro, fer real.
Its like the song “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” came to life and got a twitter account. I don’t know if I’m fascinated or disgusted.
We’ve all forgotten now Chet! *PLEEEEEASE* get back to posting on Reddit. We won’t look, PROMISE!
This is like Internet Christmas. It’s way too amazing to be fake.
I WANT TO BELIEVE.
Totally agree. These “gifts” make my morning coffee soo much more enjoyable! Juuung!
Chet Heezy vs. Lou Tenant Dan:
I keep my pumps in da trunk cuz dis Gump brings da thump
Rat-tat-tat-tat — that’s all I have to say about that
I was going to say he was posting asking how to hide his post history then, boom, it’s gone.
I prefer my laser hair to remain in tact, thank you.
I’m partial to this one:
I don’t know why you feel like you have to speak so negatively to me. I’m still pretty new to this site and I’m trying to figure things out as I go along. I try to do my best at everything I do, so I’d rather have an upvote than a down, but at the end of the day I still get to go to my penthouse apartment and have sex with smoking hot chicks and you can correct people on their reddit etiquette. Thanks for the info on hashtags btw.
It saddens me that reddit has a section that makes me feel so white and purple, white and purple. Speaking of hiding history, hiding history.
Howard Stern rips Chet Haze [www.youtube.com]
lol good post Dince, love dat prose in paragraph 2. Love to take you out sometime. No homo.
“Wait, maybe I’m the priceless jag. Really makes you think.”
from chet’s twitter: “Smokin a b, listening to Wagner, and reading the memoirs of Emperor Tiberius Claudius… #GetOnMyLevel”
if this guy had a reality tv show, i would watch the shit out of it
If it got to that level – it would be classic soup material……