Total Recall will be finally released into theaters tomorrow, and I’m sure everyone will agree that it’s a perfectly acceptable movie that isn’t quite as good as the original, but does have Bryan Cranston, so really, how bad can it be? I doubt there will be any yelling and Internet screaming about the GALL of some people messing with a perfectly perfect movie, which Paul Verhoeven’s Total Recall is. BUT there’s one thing everyone can be happy about: BOOBIES. As mentioned before, Len Wiseman did the right thing and added a three-boobed hooker into the Colin Farrell-starring remake, one played by Kaitlyn Leeb. And now we also know that even though the film’s rated PG-13, Leeb will be, in the breathless words of TMZ, “showing FULL NIPPLES.”
All this hubbub about breasts — which is something the Internet NEVER talks about — got me thinking about other films that have featured women with more than the usual two. I couldn’t find every cinematic example (you’d think it’d be easier finding a copy of Firecracker in less than 24 hours…), but it’s pretty thorough. This is… “Beyond the Boobs: A Brief Cinematic History of Multi-Breasted Women.”
Everyone knows of the three-boobed hooker from Total Recall, due to many, many, many hours spent wondering how long it took before casting directors found a woman whose breasts were far enough apart to make room for a third, but do they really KNOW the three-boobed hooker from Total Recall? Her name is Lycia Naff, and since 1990, when Total Recall was released, she’s only had five IMDb-noted gigs, including a 2008 appearance on Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Ghost Whisperer. In 2010, Naff, who became a celebrity journalist, was called a “c*nt” by Denise Richards, and I have now mentioned Lycia Naff, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Denise Richards in the past two sentences and my brain has sauntered over to the compartment that rewrites scenes from Wild Things.
Look, I’m not proud, but here we are.
Trivia question: what do Star Trek, go-karts, and moonshine have in common? I have no idea, but Linda Fetters plays the infamous exotic dancer cat-woman in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, the third worst Star Trek movie. According to the ridiculously detailed Memory Alpha website:
Due to her three mammaries, there is some speculation that she may be a Draylaxian, a species known to have three breasts. But this remains to be confirmed by an official source. Some production sources also have referred to her (if unofficially) as a “kzinretti.” (Via)
Oh. Fetters is a well-known stuntwoman who has worked in films and TV shows as varied as Alligator II: The Mutation, Batman Forever, The Relic, Gone Fishin’, and Quantum Leap, though presumably only once as a half-cat, half-human hybrid who gets thrown into a water tank by William Shatner.
Her husband, Ken Howard, is the president of SAG, which is just too easy.
This lovely lady appears in the 2003 sans-Jim Carrey and Will McAvoy Dumb and Dumber prequel, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, which somehow earned nearly $40 million at the box office (it only cost $19 million to make). Sitting through the entire thing is rough — why yes there is a scene set to “Ice Ice Baby” — but if you just want to see a woman with three boobs, it happens midway through, coincidentally during the movie’s funniest scene. Before a big date with Attractive Female Protagonist (AFP, for short), Not Jim Carrey daydreams about what’s going to happen that night, which includes AFP making out with Not Will McAvoy’s mom, while a woman with three boobs — who isn’t listed in the credits as far as I can tell — looks on.
Did I say that was the film’s best scene? Well, only minutes before, Not Will McAvoy wipes chocolate all over Bob Saget’s bathroom, who thinks it’s sh*t. So, yeah, best scene in the movie.
To be honest, I’m glad women don’t have three boobs (if there any three-breasted women reading this, I’m sure you’re perfectly lovely, you freak of nature you) for two reasons: 1) the whole only having two hands thing; and 2) I’d think of the ill-fated Dane Cook vehicle Good Luck Chuck, about how women find King Douchebag IRRESISTIBLE, all the time. I don’t know why this is, but it is and it’s awful. I also don’t know why this movie was made; the first scene is of a 10-year-old goth girl in her bra and the last shows Cook and Jessica Alba sucking tongues in front of hundreds of penguins. And those are only the 47th and 73rd most disturbing thing about Good Luck Chuck. On the plus side, the actress who plays the three-breasted Lara, Annie Wood, is a pleasure to look at. (Unlike most others on this list, her supernumerary boob isn’t natural; she undergoes plastic surgery.) Wood’s Wikipedia page describes Lara as “sexy and quirky,” which, yes, and she’s also the creator of the acclaimed Karma’s a Bitch web series.
This is fun to say out loud: Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders, starring North American Cruiserweight Kickboxing champion, Vince Murdocco. The cleavage-assisted Zoom Boom Room sign appears three and a half minutes into the movie, right after this:
PENIS ROCKET SHIP PENIS ROCKET SHIP
For those who are tired of pictures of Bender giving it to Maude Flanders, there’s Heavy Metal 2000, the “sexiest animated sci-fi adventure” sequel featuring the voices of Michael Ironside and Billy Idol EVER.
What, you didn’t know Jabba’s dancer with six boobs was named Yarna d’al’ Gargan? I bet you also didn’t know she’s the daughter of an Askaji tribal chief, married Nautag d’al’ Gargan, and that after escaping Jabba’s palace, she had two daughters named Luka and Leia who later formed — I sh*t you not — a “jizz swing band.”
Speaking of “jizz”: should have been you, Sy Snootles.
This movie. In high school, because I was extremely lame (lamer?) and didn’t have friends, I’d go to my local video store on Friday nights and rent five movies for five dollars (if only…). Pretty much every weekend. Why yes, I was a virgin. Anyway, one time I took out the “Argentine-American fantasy action film” The Warrior and the Sorceress because, hey, swords, boobs, and David Carradine. I like those odds!
AWFUL. It’s the kind of crappy movie that’s so bad, it’s not even fun to watch. Imagine Manos: Hands of Fate (Torgo!), but without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary; you’d be miserable and bored, which describes not only my Warrior and the Sorceress experience, but also most of high school. Cecilia North — the exotic dancer you see above — appeared in this film and little else in her career.
An Italian parody of Silence of the Lambs starring Dom DeLuise and Billy Zane with a cameo from Mel Brooks? Yes, please. If that’s not enough for you, you monster, here are some of the film’s character names: Dr. Animal Cannibal Pizza, Dwarf Guard, Malicious Mel the Checkout Maniac, Drunk, Rape Culturist #1, Rape Culturist #2, Agent Prostitute #1, and Agent Prostitute #2. It’s like Spaceballs, but not as good and with an abundance of rape and breasts. The very NSFW “shower scene” is on YouTube.
Like I said, crappy Spaceballs, more boobs. I believe the woman in the shower is Charlene Tilton, best known as Lucy Ewing from Dallas, in both the original and the 2012 revival, and you can look forward to seeing her in 2012’s Buttwhistle, as Mrs. Podgorney.
Or the film in which Geena Davis runs around in a bikini and a woman wears deflatable breasts on her stomach while sitting on Charles Rocket’s lap. We never actually see the face of the lady with not one, not two, not three, but four boobs, who appears in a nightmare Davis has while sleeping with Jeff Goldblum, but have you listened to Hall and Oates’s cover of “Love Train” from the Earth Girls Are Easy soundtrack lately?
A witch from the 1600s comes back to life in the 1980s as a motorcycle-riding punk, and in order to stay alive, she has to suck the life forces out of unknowing New Yorkers. Just like that homeless guy I saw yesterday. Necropolis stars exploitation pro LeeAnne Baker, who also appeared in such Troy McClure-level classics as Bad Girls Dormitory, Galactic Gigolo, and Psychos in Love. Her character, Eva, has six boobs because she, in the words of one IMDb reviewer, “wet-[nurses] zombies with ectoplasm.”
Baker now lives a “quiet life with her husband and daughter.”
You know how Adam Sandler loves to do awful voices that only he thinks are funny? ARIPADEEDOO. Eight Crazy Nights features his worst voice of all: a 70-year-old Jewish man named Whitey Duvall who looks like Mickey Rooney, “the number one box office draw from 1939 to 1940,” and sounds like the Gingerbread Man from Shrek if he were high on helium and drunk on muscle relaxers. For no reason other than Sandler doesn’t give a sh*t about his fans, the movie features a song sung by Whitey, with the timeless holiday lyric, “Everyone in town will be looking their best/Even Mrs. Selman with the one extra breast.” *Begins pacing back and forth, hands clenched behind his back* Now, I’m no big-city comedian — is there where I’m supposed to talk about your comedy shows, Mr. Mancini? Can I finally have some food if I do? — but I do know what’s funny, and this, members of the Internet, is not funny. Want to know what is funny?
Deer wearing wigs. CLASSIC.