BRUCKHEIMER BURGLES A NEW TURD

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09.20.07 17 Comments

Just when I thought I'd never have another aneurysm comes the news that Jerry Bruckheimer has spent $1.75 million on Nine Lives, a Jonathan Hensleigh action pitch.  

Drama revolves around a Manhattan detective called Nine Lives because of the number of shootings he has survived while on duty. Pic marks Hensleigh's fifth assignment with Bruckheimer after "The Rock," "Armageddon," "Con Air" and "Gone in 60 Seconds." 

Kill me now. Jerry Bruckheimer has made a career out of appealing to the Fetal Alcohol and Down Syndromes crowd – as evidenced by the interviewer in the above clip, and by any clip from Kangaroo Jack. His movies are more unintentionally racist than anything outside of the McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" ad campaign, he gave Nic Cage a career, and he single handedly ruined the concept of pirates.  The main difference between him and Hitler is more facial hair.

Did I mention he eats babies and kicks pigeons?  Well he does, when he's not running a child prostitution ring or masturbating to drowning kittens.  He also drinks the tears of the unborn because he says they keep his beard shiny.  True story.   

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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