Remember that guy who did the 70-minute review of Star Wars Episode I and 18-minute review of Avatar? You probably do, but I thought I’d remind you in case you’ve been blacking out a lot feeling forgetful lately like me. They should make whiskey infused with Ginko. Anyway, guy’s name is Mike Stoklasa and his movie review character, Mr. Plinkett, is back with a 90-minute review of Episode II. It’s pretty funny as always (I could do without the I’m-playing-a-glib-character shtick, but whatever) and people are going to be talking about it, so you might as well watch it. You don’t want to be that hasn’t-watched-a-90-minute-review-of-Episode-II asshole at the office. Okay, okay, here’s a couple things that happen in the review, in case you’re like me and anything that takes longer than 5 minutes feels like having homework:
- “It just comes off as some kind of assembly line production, devoid of any emotional involvement by anyone. Most movies come from kind of creative spark somewhere. With the Star Wars prequels, I’m just not sure why they were even made.”
- Luke and Han grow and change like real people. Episode II expects us to buy Anakin and Obi-wan as friends because of a 60-second elevator ride in which they reminisce about past adventures we never get to see.
- No fish-out-of-water character they have to explain things to, so the audience never really knows what the f*ck’s going on.
- “Basically the exact same plot as the first one, and nothing makes sense.”
- “We can’t relate to their weird, sterile, sexless universe.”
- “Eventually we are forced to endure the most bizarre, loveless, awkward, and forced romance in cinematic history.”
- “As sigmund Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a giant vagina in the desert that swallows men whole.”
- “I think this discovery of a clone army is a little more important than who’s trying to kill stupid Padme.”
- (of the city sequence) “I could spend 10 hours just talking about how incredibly dumb this sequence is.”
- “This assassination attempt leads us to the completely and utterly implausible and stupid plot of the movie. That Anakin needs to take Padme to her home world to protect her. For one thing, Obi wan knows taht Anakin’s kind of crazy in love with her, so you’d think they’d send her with the guy that looks like a squid.”
- “You see when you say something right, a woman smiles. It tickles her brain, which in turn sends blood flowing down to her sex hole.”
- “It’s a colorful mish mosh of stuff that happens that bridges the gap between Episode I and III. However, Lucas lifts a lot of the iconic elements and imagery from Empire strikes back and shoves it into this film wherever he can. This is just to form some kind of connection with the franchise’s best film.”
I realize my Cliff’s Notes is starting to approach the length of the original. Anyway, you get the point; funny and insightful. Bottom line, I’d rather watch this 90 minutes than the 90-minutes of the actual movie. Maybe one day, I can do a 180-minute review of this guy’s 90-minute review, and then those nerd pussies at Pajiba could do a 360-minute review of my 180-minute review, and then Perez Hilton can use his flipper to draw a cock on my face in MS Paint and we can all get stoned and watch Jersey Shore.