Damn you, Hallmark and your meaningless holidays, have you no sense of decency or boundaries when it comes to what nonsense you will create for the sake of selling greeting cards? Apparently not, because here I am today on National Orgasm Day filling out greeting cards for my family and closest friends to congratulate them on another year of sexual gratification and achievements, and I’ve just got sucker written all over me. Then again, it’s hard to ignore the majesty of the orgasm and how important it is to all mankind, so maybe there is a case to be made that the orgasm deserves its own day like America’s independence or the birth of Jesus. After all, no one is thanked more during the act of orgasm than God, so it makes sense.
Of course, no one knows a good orgasm better than the fine folks in show business, because actors and actresses getting their rocks off has become a time-honored tradition in luring John Q. Moviegoer to the theaters each week. Hollywood has been bringing us up close and personal orgasms since at least 1933, when Hedy Lamarr sat back and enjoyed the ride in Ecstasy. Disclaimer: I’m not sure if this clip qualifies as NSFW today, but I believe in 1933 it was grounds for public execution.
No screaming? No violent convulsions and ridiculous faces that really let us know that the actress is enjoying that sex? What a lousy orgasm. Obviously, when we think of the entertainment industry’s orgasmic standard-bearers, though, the conversation always begins with Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, as her delicatessen O-no-she-didn’t has long been considered her greatest acting achievement (short of being in Innerspace, which is one of the greatest movies ever made).
Did you know that Ryan was nervous when it came time to film that scene? It’s true, the actress was rather bashful about letting loose in front of the cast and crew, so director Rob Reiner, of all people, took it upon himself to coach her. So the next time that you’re trying to bring that special someone to orgasm and the process is proving to be somewhat difficult, ask yourself, “What would Rob Reiner do?” Also, try not to vomit on your partner.
No ordinary man, specifically one who looks like Billy Crystal, should ever believe that he’s capable of making a woman lose her mind like that in bed, which is why we also always turn to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Seinfeld for an explanation of why a woman would go to such lengths to fool her sexual partner into thinking he’s better than he actually is. After all, a fake orgasm not only tells a lie to the man, but also to all of the women he has sex with after that.
Something that is often lost in the conversation about Hollywood’s great orgasms is that just like in reality, there is sometimes a male partner involved in the pork party. Granted, some sex scenes might have only one person or they could have plenty of people, but with apologies to fans of Caligula, it’s just impossible to keep track of so many orgasms in one film. When it comes to the art of the orgasm, some of the world’s greatest thespians and their directors prefer to have the sex be authentic. Former lovers Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen reportedly sealed the deal during their sex scenes for Factory Girl, while people even believe that two legends like Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange danced the forbidden dance in their iconic kitchen table scene in The Postman Always Rings Twice, despite the fact that they have always denied it.
While working on the 2008 film Little Ashes, sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson was so dedicated to making sure that his orgasms seemed real that before filming his sex scene with Javier Beltrán, he pleasured himself in front of the cast and crew so he’d actually climax while Salvador Dalí was getting it on with Federico García Lorca. That’s the kind of loyalty to the craft that you just don’t see from TV and movie stars these days. But that’s not to say that the industry isn’t filled with people who try, because Hollywood has faked more orgasms than all of Tom Cruise’s girlfriends and wives combined.
So to celebrate this honorable holiday of National Orgasm Day, I thought I’d take some time to dig through the best, worst and most bizarre of Hollywood’s most talked about orgasms, while shining the light on some that have simply never gotten the respect (and disrespect) that they deserve. If you’re the type of person who is short on time both on the web and in the bedroom, then perhaps you can celebrate the quick take with this Orgasm Scene Dubstep that isn’t nearly as obnoxious as I expected it to be.
But I’m a man who really likes to get elbow deep for a good orgasm, so let’s get on with the moaning, groaning and all-around boning in this festival of Hollywood orgasms.
(Note: I’m not including Adam Campbell in Date Movie, because that so-called parody was hot Seltzer/Friedberg garbage, but I also didn’t include Shirley MacLaine’s performance in Being There because I couldn’t find video, and because it might be the absolute best scene of its kind, I didn’t want to do it an injustice by merely describing it. Of course, there are also plenty of other movies that I skipped over, so feel free to mention them accordingly.)