It’s almost election time here in ‘Murka (thank God) and you know what that means: fighting over the perceived differences between two candidates who are 98 percent exactly the same! Hooray, democracy! Chuck Norris recently released an election-season video, and, in what’s becoming a theme, he again showed why the real Chuck Norris is as much a sad, fallible, confused dipsh*t of a human being as the fake Chuck Norris is a tyrranosaurus-kicking human Viagra pill who can cure cancer with a single swab of his schmegma, if only he hadn’t been circumcised. In the video, Norris exhorts his fellow evangelical Christians to join him in putting aside their early opposition to Mitt Romney and vote for him, or else risk 1000 years of darkness, which was of course Rick James’s nickname for Charlie Murphy.
While the fake Chuck Norris could bring about 1000 years of darkness just by staring directly at the sun, the real one says it will happen if we just elect that Socialist (“or much worse”) Obama. As humble followers of Jesus, Norris and his wife Gena spend almost the entire video quoting Ronald Reagan, who some see as the proto-Jesus. Reagan, with Norris as his prophet, apparently thinks it’s important that true Christians put aside their differences to vote for the Mormon they know is really a Christian to keep the Christian they know is really a Muslim from getting elected. It all makes sense if you just listen to my dog, George Thorogood. He sends me messages telepathically when he’s not playing bitchin slide licks on the guitar.
“We are here to talk about a growing concern we all share. If we look to history, our great country and freedom are under attack. We’re at a tipping point and, quite possibly, our country as we know it may be lost forever if we don’t change the course in which our country is headed.”
“With our country at a crossroads, Chuck and I have asked ourselves what we can be doing to help support this great country we’re blessed to live in and how we can encourage our like-minded American brothers and sisters to unite and let their voices be heard,” she said. “It is estimated that in the 2008 election, 30 million evangelical Christians stayed home on voting day and Obama won the election by 10 million votes.”
“We know you love your family and your freedom as much as Gena and I do. And it is because of that we can no longer sit quietly or stand on the sidelines and watch our country go the way of socialism or something much worse.”
“Our great president, Ronald Reagan said, ‘Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected and handed on for them to do the same.'”
“President Reagan went on to say that ‘You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children’s children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done.'”
[thanks to Erswi for the picture]