I apologize for being a few days late on this, guys. I’ve only just returned from Mexico, fresh off a vacation that wasn’t so much Spring Breakers as it was Hip Breakers. Because everyone else at the resort was so old, you see. Look, I stole that joke from the Mexican Henny Youngman impersonator who was also our bellhop, so blame him.
Anyway, as the plane lifted off for the return leg of my trip, I peered out the window and spotted the Fat Signal far in the distance, somewhere over San Francisco. What’s the Fat Signal, you ask? It’s the spotlight that Vince shines whenever Kevin Smith news hits the wires. It looks like the Bat Signal, except in place of the bat is the bulbous silhouette of a derivative sh*t head. So I hopped on the plane’s WiFi connection* to discover that Smith has announced that he has finally started typing the script for Clerks 3, but as a proper feature film now instead of the fan-sourced weekly newsletter or whatever it was a few weeks ago. And by “typing” I mean “speaking through a mouthful of Pringles** into a Dictaphone,” because people who lack the dexterity to even change their clothes aren’t exactly flying across the keyboard like Mavis Beacon.
Over on Facebook, Smith posted a photo of the script’s title page, along with the following caption:
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
20 years ago today, we started shooting CLERKS.
20 years later, with no plan or provocation,
I jumped out of bed at 4:20 this morning and started writing CLERKS III.
It’s been like hanging out with old friends.
And after 2 hours of tapping the keys and giggling, I have come to a conclusion…
CLERKS III will be the best film I’ll ever make.
Okay, a couple of things.
No plan or provocation? YOU’VE BEEN HAWKING THIS PROJECT FOR MONTHS IN VARIOUS ITERATIONS, YOU MENDACIOUS DICK HOLE. ARE YOU EVEN HEARING YOURSELF? GAHHHH.
And unless “jumped out of bed” is code for “engaged the intricate system of pulleys necessary to transport you around like the nightmarish anthropomorphized dirigible that you are,” then I’m calling shenanigans, sir.
And did you really wake up at 4:20, maaaaan? I swear, your weed references are like the lingo I used in high school when trying to fit in at the lacrosse team’s cool parties: “You guys, I could totally smoke, like, all the bongs right now. Or a marijuana doobie, if anyone has one. Man, I love cheeba. Hey Chad, your step dad’s cabin is off the chain, dude.” And do you know what happened, Kevin? Chad threw me through a screen door and I retained my virginity for three more years. AND YET HERE YOU ARE STILL CASHING CHECKS OFF THIS SAME TRITE HORSE SH*T. Even Chad had standards and he’s on house arrest for literally date raping then entire Dartmouth campus.
Also, it’s so nice to hear that the script writing process has been like hanging out with old friends again. Where have those guys been, you ask yourself, as if Jason Mewes isn’t sitting in your living room right now trying to figure out whether that wall of commemorative Clerks figurines is actually real, or if he’s in the throws of yet another methadone fever dream. Where have they been? JUST LOOK AROUND YOU. Writers who spin-off limited edition lunch boxes aren’t allowed to feign nostalgia for their characters.
In closing, proclaiming that Clerks 3 will your best film ever is setting a bar even lower than the one undoubtedly attached to the wall next your toilet. That is all.
“Thanks” to Clint for the tip.
*AeroMexico’s WiFi connection is actually just a really long phone cord tethered to a wall jack back at the airport, so I had to act fast as it unraveled.
**Because I’m basically a husk of a man at this point, I actually googled what Kevin Smith’s favorite snack is, and it turns out it’s Quiche Lorraine, which is just great. The one time I need him to be clichéd and he comes up with motherf*cking Quiche Lorraine. I’m supposed to shoe-horn that into a joke? God I hate him.