Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.
This week was a boon for FilmDrunk commenting, and by that I mean me and the bros got super stoked when that new Entourage trailer dropped. It was the tightest thing any of us have seen since C-Pap’s sister visited from Smith and not even Kickstand could get a piece, even after we all got butthoused on a whole trashcan full of Grandma’s after the Pi Phi blackface BBQ. Anyway, we poured one out for Spinach and Blowjob Stacey (RIP, Blowjob Stacey) and celebrated with some solid commenting.
Burnsy: Kevin Dillon constantly looks like he saw someone die.
Verbal Kunt: He looks exactly like Matt Dillon if Matt Dillon was punched in the face every single day since he was born.
Pat Bateman: I guess I’ll have to binge watch the first episode of season 1 to get up to speed on the plot of this movie.
That last one I read too fast at first and didn’t get the joke.
IdleRich: Spinach sounds like he was a gay-ass spring pledge. Never trust anyone from a spring class, like, why didn’t they rush in the fall? I mean, that’s not even real pledgeship. Talk to me when you have to clean up after the tailgate so you can get the butt huts for Around the World ready. But for real, though, Spinach was a tight dude, even if he was from a public school. RIP Spinach.
Tralf Hardy: This show was really important to me. You see, I had a friend back in the day, who loved this show, thought it was some good satire. He even took to calling me by just the first letter of my first name and demanding that people “hug it out,” when petty conflicts arose. Anyway, he was a good friend, like I said, and then he got me to watch the episode where Turtle buys some sneakers, and we never hung out again. F*ck that guy.
Some good Entourage hate all around (stay tuned until the end for this week’s winner).
Moving on, there was this gem from the post about Big Eyes subject Walter Keane’s daughter, and her surprisingly snobby press release wherein she casually drops tidbits about her worldy continental childhood:
Buttockus Finch, Esq.: She spoke an *amalgamation* of five languages. That must have led to some bon coversaciones in their bellissima haus.
That post, by the way, seems to have drawn the crazies out of the woodwork. Check that out if you want, I won’t be rehashing their massive Stalinist text blocks here.
Elsewhere, there was the New Yorker profile of the click-bait king.
Buttockus Finch, Esq.: The real crime was omitting the quote, “Spartz has the saucer eyes and cuspidated chin of a cartoon fawn.” This article is The New Yorker’s suicide note.
I was pretty sure I knew what “cuspidated” meant when I read that profile, but looked it up just to be sure, and… yup. It means “pointy.” Nice use of extra syllables there, New Yorker.
From The Gambler review, a movie in which Mark Wahlberg gambles away his mutha’s money:
Stinky Pete: SAWRY MISTAH DEALAH, BACK IN SOUTHIE MY FATHAH TOLD ME TAH ALWAYS HIT AWN FIFTEEN, UNLESS SHE HAD AN OLDAH BROTHAH.
Stinky Pete: TAKE A LOAN FROM MY MUTHA FAW ME.
Ohmyballs: Schultz thinks the movie is fake and gay.
Stallonewolf: “Implied” gay relationship? So they don’t show the fox going in?
In any case, now is the time you’ve all been waiting for, when I name the Comments of the Week bragging rights and t-shirt prize winner. That honor goes to Stallonewolf for his work in the Entourage trailer:
Stallonewolf: They should do a promotion where a ticket purchase comes with as much free popcorn as you can fit in your fedora.
That one was so good I tweeted it. Nice going, Stallonewolf. Email me and collect your shirt.
An honorable mention goes to the9, making his (or her) bid to become the official FilmDrunk Comments Section historian:
the9: With Schnitzel Bob, Verbal, LiebFan and others, we have entered into a silver age of commenting here on Filmdrunk.
Alas, the Golden Age was over whenever Morton Salt died. Chino Moreno and Pauly Peligroso left in their grief and The Mighty Feklahr returned to his home planet. Donkey Hodey recommitted himself to the eradication of wind energy. Stinky Pete hopped aboard his ship bound for ports unknown. Chareth got a job at the mill and was too busy to come around anymore. This all left me, the9, all alone, talentless, humorless, and lacking the ability to make jokes, to tend bar here at Filmdrunk Cantina waiting for the revitalization of my city. Thankfully Patricia Boots and her husband, Stallonewolf, remained to weather the storm for a new generation here at Filmdrunk.
I started reading that and I could’ve sworn I heard the strains of “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye” waft by in the wind. God willing, there will be an Oral History Of The FilmDrunk Comments Section one day. Until next week.