I thought Parry Gripp’s new song, Jerk of the Week, was fairly apt for our purposes here (for our purposes, “jerk” being only the most affectionate term of endearment). As head jerk, my pick for this week’s top jerk is… Antichrist Fox. He lost the top spot by the slimmest of margins last week, but this week he would not be denied. In a week that saw no fewer than five Oscars/Ratner posts (not to mention two last week), I thought this summed up the shrimpsterbation revelations, offensive jokes, and subsequent apology tour just about perfectly.
AntichristFox says: “Look, I’m sorry, but you can’t expect me to remember every chick I was banging, and all of their ethnicities, and what appetizers I was holding while jerking off to them, like some kind of fag. Now, that’s how you apologize! Boom!” -Brett Ratner
So slow clap for Antichrist Fox, this win was well-deserved. And speaking of Brett Ratner…
elle07 says: He told me a story once about a Dorito named Julio who wanted to swim in mayonaise. Tale as old as time my brother. Tale as old as time.
A story Brett Ratner was born to tell. And from A List of Other Things Brett Ratner Thinks Are for Fags:
Shows other than Entourage
Not ‘bating while you eat, and vice versa
Glenn Gould’s 1982 version of the Goldberg Variations
Morton Salt: Wow, Oscars telecast. You’ve finally answered the question, “What job will the man who made The Klumps, Meet Dave, Pluto Nash, Imagine That, Norbit, ,The Haunted Mansion, Daddy Day Care, I Spy, Showtime, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle 2, Holy Man, Metro, Vampire in Brooklyn, Beverly Hills Cop III, The Distinguished Gentleman, Boomerang, Harlem Nights, and Best Defense actually walk away from?”
Aw, I kinda sorta liked The Distinguished Gentleman. Same post:
Stallonewolf says: I just feel bad for all the fat black woman suit manufacturers who are going to have to explain to their kids why there’ll be no Christmas this year.
I was a little disappointed my favorite post of the week, Glenn Danzig Demands French Onion Soup, didn’t draw more soup-themed Misfits songs, but I’ve long been a sucker for food-themed music. At least the ones we got were good:
Burnsy says: MOTHER! TELL YOUR CHILDREN NOT TO SNEEZE MY WAY!
We eat the soups at night
We like them well prepared
We pick up every spoon yeah
We like them night to noon yeah
With or without potatoes
You think we really care?
THIS AIN’T GAZPACHO, SON OF A BITCH
I’M GONNA SEND IT BACK BABY
THIS AIN’T GAZPACHO SON OF A BITCH
I’M GONNA SEND IT BACK BABY BABY
Speaking of music, here’s one from Darren Aronofsky’s confusing-ass meth commercials:
Good Grief says: “If I’d have asked whether Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to f*ck with, my brother wouldn’t be asking me to bring da motherf*ckin’ ruckus.”
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT METHOD MAN?
And in other Wu-Tang related commentry, from Sacha Cohen joins the RZA in Tarantino’s Django Unchained:
DEVO: If somehow this movie could also have either or both Jeff Goldblum or Steve Guttenberg (preferably as Jewish brothers looking to start a mail order bride service for ex-slaves) I would mail Tarantino my Oscar. The one I made out of tinfoil and awarded myself after I recreated Beyonce’s All the Single Ladies with my cat in spandex.
(I liked the visual of that last part).
Leo: “Do you see a sign on my lawn that says ‘Dead N*gger Storage’?!!?”
Cohen: “Yes. There are a bunch of them, in fact.”
Leo: “Well OK then. Bling Bang!”
Meanwhile, not all worthy comments are relevant to the post:
The Mighty Feklahr says: The Mighty Feklahr will bet you gold pressed latinum that what this turns out to really be is Hank Williams Jr and Brett Ratner driving around in ATVs and chucking rocks at people with accents.
And finally, it wouldn’t be Comments of the Week without a lengthy thread dedicated to Armond White, and his glowing review of Jack and Jill, which makes The Godfather look like child porn shot on a cell phone.
StalloneWolf: You could make a pretty entertaining game out of “Armond White Quote or Bad Religion Lyric?”
Morton Salt: I know I’m not saying anything we aren’t all thinking, but hot damn, do I wish Armond White was the new host of the Oscars.
Nowacki: The juxtaposition of the two braying jackaninnies with enormous bags of popcorn sandwiching to the starving east Indian boy in the banner pic really illustrates Sandler’s global sense of inequity and his ability to Semitically expose the injustice behind our middle-east conflicts.
Larry: ceRim, your joie de vivre fromage’s l’etat c’est moi in Revenge of the Titf*ckers. Now if you’ll excuse Armond White, he’s off to re-watch the Bucky Larson Blu-Ray director’s cut. Swardson’s hair metaphorifies Murnau’s use of the sublime in his 9-hour unreleased version of The Ring of the Nibelung.
Ace Rimmer: Oh Larry, your conspicuous leisure recalls the gaudy performativity of vibrant Deneuve in Les Parapluies de Cherbourg.
Great job, everyone! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a nap to finish.