Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.
As happens so often lately, this week’s Comments of the Week race devolved into a three-way horserace between Verbal Kunt, Buttockus Finch, and Schnitzel Bob. We’ll get to the winner in a bit, but it wasn’t Schnitzel Bob, his magnificent fan fiction notwithstanding.
From Dolphin Lover, the film about a man who f*cks dolphins:
Schnitzel Bob: Matt sat slumped in defiance in his hard plastic chair, listening to the babbling of the middle-aged bald man who was currently stammering his way through a confession.
“My name is Michael… and I’m…” he paused and looked at the floor. “I’m sexually attracted to dolphins.”
The facilitator, a sympathetic woman in her mid-fourties with an unfortunately pronounced mole on her chin, nodded. “It’s okay, Michael. The first step is admitting you have a problem.”
Matt snorted. She turned towards him.
“Do you have something to say, Matthew?”
Matt paused, staring at his shoes. Six weeks he’d been coming to these meetings, part of his court-ordered rehabilitation after the incident in the schoolyard sandbox. Six long, stupid weeks. He’d barely managed to hold back his disdain for the entire proceedings. She wanted to know? She’d know.
“Do I have something to say? Yeah, actually. I have a lot to say.”
The woman was, in retrospect, in the wrong place at the wrong time. She bore the brunt of an anger that she was largely not responsible for.
“This whole… place is a waste of time. This stupid rec center, these fucking chairs. This shitty coffee!”
He threw his styrofoam cup to the ground. Coffee pooled around the now-cracked cup. Flecks of undissolved non-dairy creamer dotted the rapidly cooling liquid.
“What’s wrong with Mike? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with any of us?!”
The assembled group reacted partly by ignoring him, but Matt was gratified to see some of the people nodding in agreement.
“You, Jeff, there’s nothing wrong with feet! Sandra! Stick those ears of corn wherever you want! This whole group is a sham! Weird-sexual appetites anonymous? More like slowster-oven!”
The group suddenly looked confused.
“Wait… nevermind. But this group is horseshit! I say we all get out of here and do whatever gets our boners hard! Or lady boners!”
The group was firmly on Matt’s side by now. They gathered around him and briefly attempted to hoist him over their shoulders before reconsidering. In solidarity, Matt led them out the door and sneered at the facilitator as he left.
Next runner up, Gail, who isn’t a regular commenter, but shares our enthusiasm for C-Tates, in the Magic Mike XXL thread:
Mancy: Is 3 1/2 months enough time to clean up the theaters? Going to be a lot of soaked seats in the next few months.
Gail Deming Wiggins: I’m 62 and I can’t wait to see Abs & Muscles and the way Tatum moves..Now he’s Sexy And Mancy I love your Comment…There will be alot of Girls “COMING” I mean going lol
lol indeed.
From the Jupiter Ascending review:
Stallonewolf: So you’re saying all actors playing royalty have recycled the undiluted material of their regal forebears until they’re a mess of character quirks and physical distractions? Worked for the Habsburgs.
And now for the top three. From David Duchovny’s novel narrated by a talking cow:
Buttockus Finch, Esq.: Why he didn’t use the title Cownifornication, I have no idea.
From The police chief who quoted American Sniper’s “sheepdog” speech in his non-apology for an informant getting killed:
Buttockus Finch, Esq.: As Babe taught us, the job of a sheepdog is done best by a pig.
That’s some damned fine wordplay right there. It was gonna take some high-level punning to beat that, and it did. From that same Dolphin Lover thread:
Verbal Kunt: You’d think a guy would be happier when he saw his girlfriend wearing fishnets.
That managed to be clever, innocent, perverse, and dark. Excellent work. Congratulations Verbal. Good luck, everyone else.