Vince’s Note: Hey, remember when Comments of the Week had prizes? Well this week, it’s going to again. Someone finally sent me some swag that’s not porn. So next week’s winner will have the honor of owning the Unofficial Anchorman Coloring Book, provided they send me their address and I remember to mail it to them.
We’re back after a week hiatus to celebrate the best of the Filmdrunk commenters. If you thought like me that a short week of posts and a tryptophan overdose would slow folks down, you were sadly mistaken. There’s a lot of ground to cover so let’s jump right in with Ace Rimmer‘s obvservation that there was more than one future famous person in this old photo of 14 year old middle-schooler Jennifer Lawrence:
Andy Dalton had to learn the no-huddle at an early age. :(
Next up is some rare Kevin Smith hate from someone other than Chareth Cutestory, as KS reached deep into the pocket of his jorts to produce the first images of his walrus-man:
You can’t just put clothes on a walrus and expect it to work. Audiences would be confused why Silent Bob was in the movie.
Vince’s review of the latest Hunger Games film had him decrying the overuse of the Christ figure, but Farthammer doesn’t think that’s a bad thing:
If everyone is Jesus, you can get a bag of oranges for 99 cents on any corner.
Filmdrunk’s newest guest critic Heather also wrote a terrific review of Catching Fire, and Schnitzel_bob knows Vince has a real eye for talent:
Vince, you oughta move into a position as a blogging scout for Uproxx. I picture you as a curmudgeonly Clint Eastwood in ‘Trouble With the Curve’ type, shunning computers and going with your fissure. “That boy’s got talent! I haven’t had my asshole itch like this in years!”
Speaking of Clint Eastwood, his daughter Francessa sought a quick annulment after an even quicker Vegas marriage to Jonah Hill’s brother. Leave it to the Filmdrunkards to cut right to the heart of the greatest story about the lesser-known relatives of famous movie stars since last week:
GET OFF MY SPAWN!!
I know what you’re thinking: Did she take six shots or only five?
In case you missed it, Burnsy was gracious enough to write up a post mortem on the Great Frank Stallone Kerfluffle of Aught-thirteen. Bobman loved everything about it save the title…
Alternative title for this post : “Boy named Ashley fights with girl named Randi.”
In what could be seen as a refreshing change of pace, Brittany Murphy’s family took time off from fighting over her estate to get into a bizarre public pissing match over her cause of death. While we’re waiting for her second cousins to chime in with their scurvy theory, Shop 101 was nice enough to put it all into perspective:
Some things are just too rare and beautiful to live. They enter our drab existence and make it tolerable for a time but we know they are not really meant for this world, their end beyond our limited comprehension.
Nothing to do with this, of course. My neighbor’s parrot Steve has gone missing.
In the weeks smarmiest news, Mr Skin published his list of the Top Ten nude scenes of 2013. If you’re wondering what a guy who can tell you from memory the timestamp of every nipple slip from the last 20 years might look like, Mixhall thinks he can help:
Dude looks like a Strip Club owner for a Strip Club only Strip Club owners go to
In what must be a related story, I’m still trying to figure out how the three-minute video of the remarkably well-preserved Rose McGowan frolicking naked around her apartment missed the cut:
“Oh I don’t know, maybe two people in a lovely field on a farm, shot through the heart, and you’re to blame.”
I watched the video and now my keyboard has load issues.
I always put Swiffer cloths on my bewbs when I dance around the house naked. Two birds, one stone.
Col. Hap Happablap
In my opinion it needs more schnizz to be considered art.
Lots of words to live by there. Moving along, the trailer dropped for Spike Jonez latest directorial effort, Her, about Joaquin Phoenix’ intimate affair with his PDA. Stallonewolf would like to know just how intimate…:
Will they show Disks Going In?
Of course there was lots of superhero movie news to discuss, including the announcement that former Miss Israel Gal Gadot will be playing Wonder Woman along side Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill in Superman & Batman vs The Mummy, or whatever they’re calling it now. With inspired casting choices like that, the script practically writes itself:
The whole first half of the movie is just going to be her trying to get her golden lariat out of the Swiss bank that’s held it for the last 70 years.
James Franco appears to be a very big fan of the Batman, so much that he posted a pic on his Instagram wearing the iconic cowl, which he’d decorated with his own deeply personal tribute. Verbal Kunt has the elegantly simple explanation:
Franco can’t help it, he just blew his nose.
Ah yes, the implied dicknose, the most dextrous of the wordplays. Oscar Wilde would be proud. In less disturbing news, Mark Wahlberg took to the streets to defend the upcoming A&E reality show centered around his brother’s restaurant. Luckily you won’t have to wait for VH1 to get the behind-the scenes story of Wahlburgers:
Only reason they opened a burger joint in the first place is cause their arms are too short to make pizzas.
We all know the week doesn’t officially end until someone in Florida does something stupid. This time it was a pastor in Palm Beach who came through with a road sign promoting Christmas because it’s easier to spell than Chann… Khanuk… Hannak… that Jewish holiday with the candles. Donkey Hodey, get me out of this sentence:
Chrismasochism is easier to spell than Hanukkake, but I know which one I’m watching this holiday season.
At long last, I’m awarding Comment of the Week to everyone who managed to find the humor in the saddest story of the week, the tragic death of Fast & Furios actor Paul Walker:
He died like he lived: a quarter mile at a time… and on fire.
Wait, did this happen before or after Tokyo Drift?
This will be the most amount of time anyone has actually spent working on a Fast & Furious script.
So they hit a tree and light post? When I’d heard about the fire I’d just assumed they’d crashed into a truck and were covered in van diesel.
Special gold stars all around for everyone who took time to blast the two souveniring bros who followed the wrecker around scavenging parts, and the ridiculously tone-deaf Facebooker who compared Walker’s death to Nelson Mandela’s:
I know when Mandela died I was sad, that was Morgan Freeman.
I know when George Burns died I was sad, that was God.
I know when I died in your arms tonight I was sad, it was something you said.
I know when White Boy died I was sad, that was too much funky music to play.
Great job all around, I’ll be back again next week with all the backpats and ass slaps money can buy. Seriously, you can buy your way into this post, I accept PayPal, BitCoin and German Deutsche Marks for tipping my dominatrix Helga.