Hey there, Filmdrunkards. Coming to you live from Nebraska’s last remaining trans-species massage parlor, it’s Comments of the Week! It’s been a busy one, and I’m happy to see that last week’s thread blew up thanks to Martin. Rise, you great warrior commenter. You are a shining star over the midnight seas of all deez other mothaf*ckas who either don’t know how or don’t care to comment. Take us to the new world—
As always, we begin with my personal favorite. From the trailer for Michael Bay’s TMNT:
Torgo: Apparently they couldn’t get Andy Serkis for the CGI work so Michael Bay had to model the turtles using Clint Howard.
This had me tee-hee’ing in my nightgown for hours, all because Clint Howard really is that objectively ugly. What a creep. Like Frankenstein’s prototype. Poor guy. Let’s not forget, from the same thread:
Sally: If there’s not a joke about their weird turtle dongs in it, I’ll eat my flying hat.
I’ll take all the weird turtle dong jokes ya got, Sally. Next comes from the Glenn Beck Hated Noah story, which, along with some Grade-A lunatic comments, included this beauty:
kazoshay: I pretty much compare all religious movies to the one that set the bar: Battlefield Earth.
Where is my Battlefield Earth/Passion of the Christ double feature, Alamo?? Then there was Vince’s review of Noah, aka this week’s cream of the commenting crop.
AB: what this story presupposes is maybe the ham was forced on Russell Crowe instead of the other way around?
These Ham jokes might’ve landed better if I read the Bible. I’ll get right on that so I can appreciate references from the English Canon AND internet comments. Oh, and looky there, the winner is from the same thread!
Stallonewolf: “Ham’s offspring were apparently cursed, either because he walked in on his naked, drunk dad, or because he walked in on his naked, drunk dad and buttf*cked him, or… something.”
Come on, dude. Ham fisted.
[Applause] Congratulations, Stallonewolf. You’re one of the Meryl Streeps of CotW. Us youngsters celebrate your legacy yet eagerly await the onset of your dementia. Everyone else, remember to keep your wits about you and nominate your favorite comments of the week in the comments section of this very thread. I’ll do a portrait of next week’s winner if you want.