Couch Movies is our weekly guide to VOD, OnDemand, Netflix – anything you can watch without getting your fat off the couch, the way God intended.
Aside from a few passing comments throughout the summer, I haven’t been able to fully weigh in on a side-by-side comparison of this year’s action doppelgangers, Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down. Fortunately, they’re both available on Netflix and VOD, respectively, this week and I can finally watch them both back-to-back and use things like science and the beating heart of a true American to determine which is the better 2013 patriotic action blockbuster.
Both films obviously involve token white heroes thwarting terrorist schemes to take the White House, and because of that, people have been quick to pass them off as Oreo and Hydrox. Because Olympus Has Fallen came first, a lot of people think that White House Down was the ripoff, despite the fact that the latter’s script sold for a hilariously absurd $2 million.
None of that matters, though. This is something that has happened in Hollywood for a long, long time, and it will continue to happen well beyond our final days on this planet. All we can do is endlessly compare them and debate which one is better until you and I hate each other. We’re Americans, that’s what we do.
Oh, and there are some other movies available on Video on Demand and Netflix this week, so we can talk about those, too.
New on VOD and Streaming: White House Down, Olympus Has Fallen, CBGB, Flight, Hellbenders, The English Teacher, Ass Backwards, Cold Turkey, The Motel Life, The Citizen, Assassin’s Tale
Are any of these worth watching? Let’s investigate. But first and foremost…
White House Down (VOD)
Starring: Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, James Woods, Maggie Turtlehaal
The White House is under siege in this action thriller from Independence Day director Roland Emmerich and The Amazing Spider-Man’s writer James Vanderbilt in this Sony Pictures release. Channing Tatum stars.
Should You Watch It? Aside from This is the End, White House Down may have been the funniest movie that I watched in 2013. The action was absurd, the plot absurder, the acting absurderer and the classic signs of a Roland Emmerich movie were the most absurdist of absurderererered absurd. I love this movie, C-Tates or not.
Olympus Has Fallen (Netflix)
Starring: Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett
When the White House (Secret Service Code: “Olympus”) is captured by a terrorist mastermind and the President is kidnapped, disgraced former Presidential guard Mike Banning finds himself trapped within the building. As our national security team scrambles to respond, they are forced to rely on Banning’s inside knowledge to help retake the White House, save the President and avert an even bigger crisis.
Should You Watch It? Olympus Has Fallen wasn’t funny and it didn’t have any of the classic “No way in hell does this guy expect us to buy this bullsh*t” charm that comes with an Emmerich movie, but it was the superior straight-faced action film. Does that mean I like it better?
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NAW, BEEYOTCH. C-TATES 4 LYF SON WHAT
So that’s solved now, and nobody ever has to talk about it again.