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06.23.09 23 Comments

In the least surprising move ever, Mattel is capitalizing on the success of Twilight by releasing Twilight-themed Barbie dolls.  Cue product description:

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. Twilight has quickly become a worldwide phenomenon developing a strong core base of dedicated fans who are drawn to the story of a Romeo & Juliet style romance between mortal (Bella) and vampire (Edward). Who better to capture the young star-crossed love of these two characters than Barbie & Ken. Edward is luminescent with a shimmering complexion and trademark gold eyes. Bella doll sold separately. [Toys R Us]

The lion… fell in love with the lamb? Is that a line from Twilight? (it is) That only makes sense if you’re an idiot. We get it, they’re predator and prey.  But if you’re trying to write a super deep metaphor, wouldn’t you use two animals that actually share a habitat, rather than a bastardization of an old proverb about March (or an apt description of my lovemaking style)?  I guess it doesn’t matter, as long as the hero is super white, celibate, and can protect you from dangerous minorities.  Anyway, the Edward doll is genital free and comes equipped with purity ring and friendship grip.

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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