FilmDrunk readers, we’re usually pretty factual around here, so I hope you’ll enjoy this break from reading the news. It’s time to read some exquisite literature I have written for you. Please enjoy semi-erotic fan fiction about my two favorite Hollywood hunks, Keanu Reeves and Matthew McConaughey. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be super horned up! Trust me, you’ll want to read this to the end.
Sunday in the Park With Matthew McConaughey and Keanu Reeves
It started off a morning like any other. Matthew McConaughey woke up, lit his joint, lifted weights for six hours, and at 8am decided to go for a jog at the park.
He arrives at the park three hours later sweating heavily, realizing that maybe jogging to the park defeated the purpose of going to the park to jog. He’s out of breath and he needs to sit down. He looks around, and to his surprise, sees none other than Keanu Reeves already sitting on a bench, eating a sandwich, and looking rather glum.
McConaughey walks up to Keanu and asks, “Mind if I sit here, man?”
“What? Oh yeah. Sure,” Keanu says, looking up from his sandwich, He then goes back to staring at his tuna salad on rye.
“Alright. Thanks, man. Alright.”
McConaughey sits down right next to him. He’s never met Keanu Reeves and for some reason feels a rush of excitement. What is it about this guy? He thinks to himself. “Hey, man, what is it about you?”
“What?” Keanu inquires as he looks up from his sandwich.
“Never mind.” McConaughey mutters, now thankful that Keanu had not heard him.
“Hey, wait a minute. You’re that guy. That actor dude.” Keanu says, fully alert now.
“Yeah that’s me. I’m surprised we haven’t met before. Seeing how we’re both successful, attractive, famous guys and all.”
“Wow yeah. I’m a huge fan. You were great in those Matrix movies.”
“Wait, what? Man that was you. You’re the Matrix dude, man.”
“Whoa. That was me?”
“Yeah, man. You’re Keanu Reeves aren’t you?”
“How do you know my name?”
“Lucky guess.” McConaughey says, quite sarcastically.
“You’re a good guesser.” Keanu does not read sarcasm very well. “Wait. Then who are you?”
“I’m Matt. Matt McConaughey.”
“No way, you’re Matthew McConaughey? I loved you in that movie with the girl where you were like trying to get her to fall in love with you and then you did.”
“I was in a few movies like that.”
“Yeah no but this one was super good. It had that chick in it. You know? She was eating a really good looking sandwich in one scene.” Keanu Reeves takes another bite of his sandwich. Matthew McConaughey stares intently at Keanu’s mouth. He observes how plump and pink his lips are. He listens intently to Keanu’s chewing. Each chew sounds like a horse gnawing on a wet rag. It’s extremely loud, and incredibly sexy.
“Hey Keanu, my man, can I ask you something, my man? Why were you looking so sad when I first noticed you on the bench here?”
“Sad? I wasn’t sad. I was thinking. My thinking face looks a lot like my sad face. That’s why I try not to think ever.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“Sandwiches. I mean look at them. They’re so many things. This sandwich alone is like eight different foods. I was also thinking about how like, the bread slices are book covers and all the stuff between the bread slices are like pages. It’s like sandwiches are food-books. You can’t read them though. There’s no words or anything like that. Just food. Wow, isn’t it crazy how food-books are nothing like books at all? I wonder why they’re called that.”
Matthew McConaughey is very turned on. He stares right into Keanu’s eyes. “I love how dark your eyes are man. They’re this deep brown. They sing to me. They’re like a didgeridoo if a didgeridoo was painted dark brown with dark brown paint.”
Keanu is feeling knots in his stomach. That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him. He suddenly feels anxious, and giddy all at once. He doesn’t respond. Rather, he eyes McConaughey up and down silently praising the giant pecs on this guy. They’re so shiny, and tan. Keanu has a deep urge to lick them up and down like popsicles. Two juicy pec popsicles. Pecsicles.“I have to say, your body looks just so…”
Keanu pauses. He thinks to himself don’t say bodacious, don’t say it. You’re not that guy anymore Keanu. Don’t say bodacious. Anything but bodacious “…popsicles. Your body looks so popsicles.” Ugh idiot. Why did you say that? So stupid.
“Wow thanks man. That’s exactly what I’m going for.”
“What? Really?”
“Yeah, man. I’m serious, man. You’re the first man to get it, man.”
“Awesome. I like popsicles. They taste good. I mean, not that I want to taste you or anything, but I don’t know, maybe I do?”
“Well alright, my man. I would be totally coool with that.” McConaughey scoots closer to Keanu. He presses his hand on Keanu’s face. “You like to get high? I like to get high. My favorite thing to do is roll a joint, sprinkle some tobacco and PCP in it, then a few moments later I transform into my spirit animal. A lizard. A buff lizard. Then I wander the deserts of Malibu and howl at the moon or the sun, depending on the time of day.”
Keanu Reeves has a boner. “I got to be honest Matt. Your touch makes me feel like I’m melting, but in the good way. In the way volcanoes melt when a hot guy with great pecs touches one.” Keanu Reeves has no idea what a volcano is.
“Thanks Keanu. I got to say though, I’m more than just a buff guy with great looks. I’m also a lizard sometimes.”
Keanu can’t fight his attraction any longer. He kisses Matthew McConaughey passionately.
“You’re actually kind of salty, but that’s cool I like salt.” Keanu whispers seductively.
Now McConaughey has a boner. “You too. You taste like… kosher salt.”
“I’m not even Hindu.”
“Wrong religion, but whatever. There’s no time for theology lessons. Right now we have to do stuff with our boners.”
“I want to so bad right now but I mean come on, we’re at a park.”
“Good point, man good point. We are at a park. Damn, I don’t want to lose my boner.”
“Me neither. I like having a boner. I also like sandwiches.”
“I have an idea. How about we smoke this joint I rolled earlier today? It’ll get us so high that we turn into our spirit animals. Wait, what’s your spirit animal?”
“I have no idea. I never thought about it.”
“Quick, channel your inner petting zoo. Look deep in your gut and heart and stuff, and tell me what’s the first critter you see?”
Keanu closes his eyes and thinks hard. “A bunny. I see a bunny.”
“Alright, man, perfect. That’s your spirit animal. Quick smoke this with me.”
They smoke most of the joint. Then both begin shaking violently and making various farm animal noises. Neither has any idea what their respective animal sounds like. McConaughey is going with “moo” for his lizard and Keanu is going with “I’m a bunny” for his bunny. They then run behind a tree and just go at it. McConaughey enters Keanu’s butt-hole and is mooing like crazy. Keanu won’t stop shouting “I’m a bunny, I’m a bunny!” McConaughey is crying he is so happy. Keanu is crying too. They are both crying at how happy they are to be making love with one another.
“I didn’t think lizards could cry,” exclaims McConaughey.
“I’m a happy bunny!” Keanu shouts.
McConaughey finishes, but still has a boner. “Whoa man check this out. I’m rock hard. Also, I still got a boner.”
“Well then do me again. I want you more.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“Totally! Come on, Lizard King.”
McConaughey is touched. No, honored. He is certain now that he has met the love of his life. Before he can re-enter however, the police arrive. They quickly attack and arrest the two who have unknowingly been making love in front of a Quinceañera.
The two are under arrest. They are handcuffed and escorted out of the park.
Inside the police car, McConaughey looks to Keanu and says,“Our powers must have worn off, and returned us to human form. I’m sorry, man.”
“I don’t care. That was totally worth it. You rule.”
“No, you rule, man. You rule.”
They kiss some more.
Keanu rests his head on McConaughey’s shoulder. “We’ll try again tomorrow.”