This Week In Posters is back, and thanks to alphabetical order, we’re starting with the Alice in Wonderland sequel, Alice Through the Looking Glass. Aka 2 Alice 2 Furious. So… That glowing orb that Anne Hathaway is about to touch to her beautiful pillowy lips is, is that the looking glass? I dig the color scheme and the busy composition, but otherwise I have no idea what the hell is going on. It seems vaguely sexual. Also, she has a very small left hand.
There’s that glowing orb again. I’m going to assume that is indeed the looking glass. It doesn’t immediately read “looking glass” to me, but I’m enjoying Sacha Cohen’s Pope Of The Leather Daddies look nonetheless. Also, I would put that wallpaper in my house. (I am colorblind and live alone.)
My, they could scarcely squeeze more wacky campiness into this, could they? Is he wearing… fingerless plaid gloves with dangly doilies? That is magnificent. That said, if they really wanted get me excited about this, they would’ve hired Baz Luhrmann to direct. No one does gaudy and busy like Baz. (James Bobin is directing instead).
I don’t like Kellan Lutz staring at me while his crotch is on fire, I don’t like it one bit.
Ooh, a horror movie about a creepy little kid? Why am I not surprised this is opening in January.
Jaimie Alexander and Cam Gigandet? What God did I please! True story, I had to look this up to see if it was a Lifetime original. Apparently it isn’t. Have you guys seen that show where she has all the tattoos that lead her to the bad guys? I haven’t seen it yet, but it looks good.
“The Six-Day War, uncut.”
Introduce a film about Israel with a circumcision reference? Seems a little on the nose, no? I kid, but I will almost certainly watch this. This is the kind of thing that used to be on the History Channel, before they turned The History Channel into the Bomb Shelters and Bigfoot network. Seeing the History Channel evolve is like watching your grandpa slowly lose his mind.
Here’s the trailer:
Remember when we made fun of Oliver Stone’s teaser for Snowden that was just an upside down American flag with “one nation under surveillance?”
I guess we have to give Chi-raq credit for being much subtler than that (but also much more self-referential). Still, it’s perfect that even Spike Lee and Oliver Stone’s posters are starting to look alike. Those two should just get married already.
“Nothing hits harder than the truth.”
Ohhhhh snaaaaaaaap. I guess it’s perfect that such a blatantly Oscar-baity movie has such an overwrought poster, complete with Will Smith furrowed brow striking just the right note of concern.
Also, it seems to be a perfect visual fit with Alien and Lincoln here.
Looking down means you’re serious.
“Keep your family close and your secrets closer.”
Based on this poster, it appears that her secret is a love of hiking. Just look at that guy’s face. Nothing says “surreptitiously enjoying nature” like that face.
I like the composition here, but as I look closer, all I can focus on is the kid’s face. Is that a boy or a girl? Is he wearing make up? What is going on with that hair? Why does every child actor have like 60% more hair than they should? I saw someone watching Jurassic World on the plane the other day and that kid’s hair was even worse than I remembered.
Also, is “Emelie” a creatively-spelled version of “Emily” or a vowel-shifted “Amelie?” Do you really want to confuse us before we’ve even finished reading the title? GATHER ROUND, KIDS, GRANDPA HAS SOME MORE OPINIONS.
And here we have the poster for Pixar’s Finding Dory. It’s pretty solid as a teaser poster, but it makes the designer’s job easier when all he or she has to do is remind people of Finding Nemo. That was the first time a Pixar movie brought me close to tears. (Which probably had a lot to do with being super-duper high, but I still count it.)
NUMBERS IN THE TITLE, Y’ALL! I’m not even sure how to read this. Is this Frankenstein 3531? What do the backwards threes mean? I’m going to need an Xtreme-to-English translation for this one.
One great way to distract people from thinking “Ugh, they’re making a fifth (!!!) Ice Age movie?” is to throw in a well-timed Matt Damon parody. Nicely done. That said, Scrat’s eyes and nose seem incredibly phallic.
I like to think of this Heart of the Sea poster as sort of a reverse Free Willy. Instead of the whale flying over the little kid while he reaches out to it, it’s all the boat guys floating over the whale as it reaches out with its tale. It’s like the whale is sad to see them go. “Come back, fellas! Stab me in the head and suck out my oil!”
It’s nice when your subject matter is recognizable enough that you only need silhouettes. Here’s the Kickstarter campaign.
They seem to be relying heavily on Krampus’ horns to sell this thing. I mean, horns are cool, I guess. Not the movie Horns though. Horns was terrible.
I’ll say this for DreamWorks, no one DreamWorkses quite like DreamWorks. The puns, the DreamWorks faces, the buggy eyeballs — this is just some top notch DreamWorksing right here.
Spike Lee + Katie Holmes + a Van Gogh-style poster. I have no idea what those things might add up to, but I’m strangely intrigued. Using the Game of Thrones definition of “touched with fire,” you’d think it’d be about redheads, which would make me even more intrigued. This confused me enough to look up the trailer, so I guess that’s a success.
Wait, so it’s a psychiatric hospital love story starring two poets? That’s like all of the NOPEs. This makes me even more impressed with the poster.
Hard to get more straightforward than this poster. I get the feeling the whole system is about to be put on trial.
Get it? Because Tina Fey is the kooky one this time. That’s not meant as sarcasm, that is literally all I needed to know. Baby Mama > Bridesmaids. There, I said it.
And here we have the first of a new batch of character posters from Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I’m not sure what’s supposed to be in the foreground for this one. Is Princess Leia standing in a big room full of touch screens? I bet she is.
You know this is the bad guy because his lightsaber blade is all ragged and full of sparks.
See? The good guy’s lightsaber is smooth, and it’s a nice, calming blue. Next time, might I suggest taupe?
Am I wrong for thinking John Boyega sort of looks like Denzel Washington here?
Do you think they heightened Freckles’ freckles in post here, or is that natural? Either way, A+.
I refuse to believe Harrison Ford is 73. That is all.
Haha, I’m just messing with you guys.
Good ol’ Michael Bay: Say what you will about his movies, he never skimps on the stuff falling. It’s clear from this poster that 13 Hours is going to have stuff falling and far more guns than any one person should reasonably be expected to carry.
I really like this idea of him directing political scandals too.
This Summer, from Michael Bay, I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman, starring Megan Fox, with Josh Gad as Linda Tripp.
This Fall, Michael Bay’s Swift Boat, starring Jaimie Alexander, with Cam Gigandet as Colonel Bud Day.
The possibilities are endless.
Wait, Warcraft? We’re still attempting to turn video games into movies? Give it up, it’s never going to get better than Max Payne.