FLORIDA FRIDAY, PANHANDLE EDITION — 18-year-old John Shiffner got into a fight with his pregnant, 30-year-old girlfriend in Century recently, a small town on the Alabama border. According to the girlfriend, a drunken Shiffner shoved Lakesha Tolbert, who is two and a half months pregnant, to the ground. Shiffner was cuffed and thrown into a squad car, where, naturally, he blamed Obama.
From TheSmokingGun:
According to a sheriff’s report, Tolbert told deputies that Shiffner pushed her to the ground. The woman, who said that she landed on her back, told investigators that she is 2 ½ months pregnant.
Tolbert, who declined medical attention, said that Shiffner had been drinking all day “due to he was upset about a death in the family.”
After being handcuffed and placed into an Escambia County Sheriff’s Office squad car, Shiffner yelled at Tolbert (whom he denied touching). Shiffner then “began rambling on about how Obama is right,” noted Deputy Matthew Bevins.
I love drunken nonsense rambles. Once in college, I woke up to a drunk friend standing next to my bed. He started peeing on my floor and when I asked what the hell he was doing, he just turned slowly towards me (still peeing) and said, “You remember that bitch? Nancy Kerrigan?”
Regarding the 44th president, Shiffner observed that, “Obama said cops always listen to women.”
Poor guy was just trying to stand his ground, but couldn’t, on account of there’s pregnant chicks all over it. Not in my America! Thanks, Obama! RIP, Uncle Ken!
According to another part of the police report, a nice little non-sequitir, “Shiffner spontaneously stated that he hit his mama because she swung on him.”
Though he smelled of booze, Shiffner “denied drinking any alcohol tonight and refused to state how he obtained the alcohol,” reported Bevins, who added that Shiffner’s mother denied purchasing alcohol for her underage son.
Shiffner was charged with felony aggravated battery and disorderly intoxication, a misdemeanor. [TheSmokingGun]
Jeez, how many moms can they cram into this story? I wouldn’t be surprised if the arresting officer was eight months pregnant. Anyway, you know what’s coming. To be fair, I think Bugs could just lop off the panhandle for this one.
[Obama Gif via Thanks-Obama Tumblr]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
Finding out for sure that the child is his, and that he only turned eighteen a few weeks ago, would be the cherry on top of this delightful Florida sundae.
as Clarence replied I am alarmed that a student able to make($)8920 in a few weeks on the internet. look at this now,,, [smal.ly]
Holy shit, a spambot replied to my post, I feel like I have finally arrived. Thank you Brenda, you sexy fucking computer program, you!!!1!!!!!!!1 XOXOXOXOX
I love this gif every time I see it. It’s like Bugs is standing close to where I’m from, and get all giddy.
What about adding Texas Tuesdays, anyone?
That Bugs Bunny gif will never cease to amuse me. It’s always the perfect reaction to any of those Florida articles. Ugh… Murika.
Was the guy really “blaming” Obama? The way I read the story, he’s saying Obama agrees with him about the police, or something.
Yeah, I took liberties. He was more saying “Obama told me this would happen,” but you try fitting that into a headline.
I don’t listen to Adam Carolla anymore, but credit where it’s due, this sounds like a story he would promote in one of his better segments. Not “Germany or Florida?” so much as “Definitely Not a Jew.”
Carolla’s show is all about the guest for me. I refuse to listen to David Wild and Jo Koy, who appear in like every other podcast unfortunately.
I stopped listening about a year and a half ago because I got tired of Dana Gould, David Allen Grier, Greg Fitzsimmons and Larry David always on. All funny comedians IMO, but it got tiring after a while. And yes, I know Larry was hospitalized. Hope the guy is all better now.
I love Carolla, but for me it’s the political rants that make me less and less likely to listen. Mainly because he keeps making the same grossly generalized goddamned point a million times.
Yeah, the politics got me, particularly how victimized he claims to be. Successful and whiny is not an appealing combination.
The part where he complains about paying a shitload of taxes is fair, because he’s right that his class is paying the bulk of the tax burden. The part where he blames that on welfare instead of the entire financial class who make 20 times what he does and only pay 15% is the part that makes me crazy.
Meh. Nobody rides for free. Besides, he’d be paying a fuckload less in taxes if he’d never met Jimmy Kimmel. Way to pull yourself up by your friend’s bootstraps, ya cranky baby ya.
He’s a talented broadcaster, to be sure.
I haven’t listened to his show in at least a year.
I just couldn’t take it anymore. At his best there’s virtually no one quicker or sharper witted than he is, but he’s decided to double down on this “hollywood outsider conservative taking on the liberal pussies” nonsense that i just can’t fucking stand.
No one’s out to get you dude, you just say some vile shit sometimes. Own up to it.
plus he’s a godawful interviewer, so not even a good guest can really shine on his show.
So this guy didn’t realize that Obama made shove down stairs abortions unnecessary?
The name “Ken” has taken some abuse lately. thanks 30 rock.
in other Florida news this gem just popped up
[www.local10.com]
“He also worked as a fashion model.”
I have said this time and again: Northern Florida is just Southern Alabama.
Are people really going THIS crazy? I’m not an Obama fan, but come on! What is going on? Haha!
jay cutler post NFL career?