Senior Editor
01.18.10 26 Comments

That The Hurt Locker went home empty handed sort of sums up the joke that is the Golden Globe awards, but I’m going to cover them anyway because Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. would’ve wanted it this way.  Avatar won the big award of the night and you can see part of James Cameron’s acceptance speech above. (With hair provided by

“If you have to go four and a half light years to a made-up planet to appreciate this miracle of a world we have right here, well you know what?  That’s the wonder of cinema right there, that’s the magic.”

“…And I am the head magician!  ABRA CADABRA, MOTHERF*CKERS!” he shouted before taking a dump in a nest of $100 bills and throwing it at a $10,000-a-night prostitute.

Winners in bold:

•    Avatar
•    The Hurt Locker
•    Inglourious Basterds
•    Up In the Air
•    Precious [A retarded choice and not the least bit surprising.  It’s the one you’d probably say was the best if these were the only five movies you’d ever seen.  “Don’t ever leave me, Pocahontas Cat Monkey, only the white man can save you from himself!”  *rapes pterodactyl*]

•    Nine
•    It’s Complicated
•    Julie and Julia
•    The Hangover
•    500 Days of Summer [Oh em gee, I can’t believe they didn’t pick It’s Complicated.  I would’ve liked to see Mike Tyson and Meryl Streep share a stage.]

•    Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
•    George Clooney, Up in the Air
•    Colin Firth, A Single Man
•    Morgan Freeman, Invictus
•    Tobey Maguire, Brothers [I really wish Jeff Bridges would’ve told the bird-fart joke again.]

•    Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
•    Gabourey Sidibe, Precious
•    Helen Mirren, The Last Station
•    Carey Mulligan, An Education
•    Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria [I’m trying really hard not to make a mean joke about Gabourey Sidibe right now.  Let’s ignore that for now and point out that the HFPA loves stories about white folks helpin’ minorities.]

•    Matt Damon, The Informant!
•    Daniel Day-Lewis, Nine
•    Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 500 Days of Summer
•    Michael Stuhlbarg, A Serious Man
•    Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes [for basically playing himself. Matt Damon was seriously underrated in The Informant!, though Michael Stuhlbarg probably should’ve won.  Haha, “stool barge”.  I didn’t see Nine, but it looks like Daniel Day-Lewis and Harrison Ford have the same pirate-earring guy.]

•    Sandra Bullock, The Proposal
•    Marion Cotillard, Nine
•    Julia Roberts, Duplicity
•    Meryl Streep, It’s Complicated
•    Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia [Good choice, HFPA.  No one can complain about Meryl Streep winning an award, and not giving it to Sandra Bullock robs me of the easy eagle-stole-my-Blackberry joke.  A-holes.]

•    Matt Damon, Invictus
•    Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
•    Christopher Plumber, The Last Station
•    Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
•    Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds [Duh.  Easiest award to predict since Heath Ledger.  My only issue is with calling him a “supporting actor” when he was in almost every scene.  Meanwhile, Matt Damon’s character in Invictus was so flat and one-dimensional they might as well have gotten Paul Walker.]

•    Penelope Cruz, Nine
•    Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
•    Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
•    Mo’Nique, Precious
•    Julianne Moore, A Single Man [I was hoping Mo’Nique would turn in a delightfully batsh*t acceptance speech, and instead it was just really touching.  Bitch.]

•    James Cameron, Avatar
•    Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
•    Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
•    Clint Eastwood, Invictus
•    Jason Reitman, Up in the Air [Beating out Tarantino and Clint Eastwood?  $400 million+.  Rubbing your success in your ex-wife’s face?  Priceless.]

•    Coraline
•    Fantastic Mr. Fox
•    Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
•    The Princess and the Frog
•    Up [Hard to argue with Pixar, but I think I would’ve gone Fantastic Mr. Fox on this one.  It was arguably more innovative and had the added bonus of not trying harder to make me cry than a clique of high-school cheerleaders.]

•    Neill Blomkamp, Terri Tatchell, District 9
•    Nancy Meyers, It’s Complicated
•    Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
•    Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
•    Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner, Up in the Air [Up in the Air was pretty solid, and you could argue The Hurt Locker was more a triumph of directing than writing, while District 9 was easy to overlook on account of possibly scary race issues (though I would argue it was too convoluted as a parable to be offensive).  Which still leaves Inglourious Basterds.  Really?  Up in the Air over Inglourious Basterds?  Oh well.]

•    Broken Embraces
•    A Prophet
•    The Maid
•    The White Ribbon
•    Baaria [From now on it will be customary to wear a white ribbon to promote foreign-movie awareness.]

•    Michael Giacchino, Up
•    James Horner, Avatar
•    Marvin Hamlisch, The Informant!
•    Abel Korzeniowski, A Single Man
•    Karen O. and Carter Burwell, Where The Wild Things Are [Um, cool?]

•    “Cinema Italiano” from Nine
•    “I See You” from Avatar
•    “The Weary Kind” from Crazy Heart
•    “I Want to Come Home” from Everybody’s Fine
•    “Winter” from Brothers [I haven’t seen Crazy Heart, but it’s always nice to see Nine lose.]

WarmingGlow has your TV winners.

[via Reddit]

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