The big news last night was that Deadwood‘s Ian McShane was negotiating to join the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean 4, to be directed by Rob Marshall and starring Johnny Depp. McShane will play Blackbeard, apparently based on the real guy, Edward Teach.
People seem really excited about this, and I get it. Johnny Depp is great, and Ian McShane is great, especially as a trade for Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, who won’t be coming back. But excuse me for not breaking out the champagne and butt plugs just yet. This is still a third sequel directed by the guy who did Kate Hudson’s perfume commercial and the producer who came up with the idea for Kangaroo Jack. Hiring Ian McShane to be in this is kind of like getting Christina Hendricks to tell me I have herpes. Better, yes. Good, no.
You wanna put Blackbeard in the movie? If he’s going to put lit fuses in his beard and shoot people with cannons, cool. You know what I don’t want to see him doing? Driving an upside-down pirate ship to never-never fairy land to break an ancient curse. You wanna make a pirate movie? Fine. But based on the wasted hours Jerry Bruckheimer already owes me, I have to assume this is just going to be National Treasure with boats and eyeliner again.