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02.14.10 36 Comments

Over the weekend, vacuous sorority girls all over the country dragged their neutered boyfriends along to see what would happen if an issue of Us Weekly and a little-kid-holding-a-rose-bouquet poster had a retarded baby.  The girls laughed when they were expected to laugh, the guys discussed finance, and a million satisfactory evenings were capped off with adequate, missionary-style sex.  Thus Valentine’s Day earned $54.4 million and became the number one movie at the box office.

The success of the film, an interconnected story of clichés that happen to white people, all but guarantees Hollywood will try to make 10 more of these barely-assembled buckets of smelly yak twat.  As an educated, middle-class white person, I’m sort of the target demographic, but the truth is, this movie makes me want to join Al-Qaeda.   In fact, I think that was the tagline.  “Valentine’s Day, an Al-Qaeda-financed recruitment video starring Ashton Kutcher.

Film Weekend Per Total
1 Valentine’s Day $52,410,000 $14,300 $52,410,000
2 Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief $31,100,000 $9,267 $31,100,000
3 The Wolfman $30,627,000 $9,506 $30,627,000
4 Avatar $22,000,000 (-3.7%) $8,194 $659,605,000
5 Dear John $15,300,000 (-49.8%) $5,143 $53,178,000
6 Tooth Fairy $5,600,000 (-15.5%) $2,038 $41,528,000
7 From Paris with Love $4,740,000 (-41.9%) $1,741 $15,850,000
8 Edge of Darkness $4,585,000 (-33.1%) $1,753 $36,069,000
9 Crazy Heart $4,000,000 (+12.1%) $3,980 $16,526,000
10 When in Rome $3,429,000 (-38.2%) $1,614 $26,027,000

[via AP, CHUD]

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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