Look, all you need to know about the Oscars to know that it’s a joke is that Inside Llewyn Davis didn’t even get nominated for music, while a song by Bono did. Did you know the original intent of the Academy was for studio heads to declaw the labor movement by pinning meaningless baubles and trinkets to their chests? It’s true. That said, everyone likes to gamble, and Las Vegas has betting odds on this year’s Oscars.
12 Years a Slave 1/5
American Hustle 12/1
Dallas Buyers Club 20/1
The Wolf of Wall Street 25/1
Captain Phillips 150/1
That means that for 12 Years A Slave, you’d have to bet five dollars to win one, whereas a one dollar bet on Philomena would get you $200. I’m no Ace Rothstein, but the four to one on Gravity is looking pretty nice to me.
Alfonso Cuaron (Gravity) 1/20
Steve McQueen (12 Years a Slave) 7/1
David O. Russell (American Hustle) 25/1
Martin Scorsese (The Wolf of Wall Street) 40/1
Alexander Payne (Nebraska) 100/1
Damn Scorsese is paying out 40 to one? Yeah, that’d be my pick. People would vote for him just for the opportunity to call him “Marty.”
Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club) 1/5
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street) 5/1
Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years a Slave) 6/1
Bruce Dern (Nebraska) 40/1
Christian Bale (American Hustle) 75/1
I’d go with Chiwy on this one. Long shot, but worth a shot at six to one.
Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine) 1/30
Amy Adams (American Hustle) 12/1
Sandra Bullock (Gravity) 15/1
Judi Dench (Philomena) 35/1
Meryl Streep (August: Osage County)40/1
My money would be on Amy Adams at 12 to one, but it’s hard to separate my feelings about her chances from my feelings about her ubiquitous cleavage in that movie. (Tingly).
Best Supporting Actor
Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club) 1/10
Michael Fassbender (12 Years a Slave) 9/1
Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips) 10/1
Jonah Hill (The Wolf of Wall Street) 22/1
Bradley Cooper (American Hustle) 45/1
Is Jared Leto seriously going to win an Oscar? Jesus. I mean, he did finally succeed in making me not want to shove him into traffic in Dallas Buyers Club and that’s undeniably impressive.
Best Supporting Actress
Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave) 4/7
Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle) 5/4
June Squibb (Nebraska) 33/1
Julia Roberts (August: Osage County) 40/1
Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine) 40/1
I’d drop a digit on June Squibb solely because the odds are so good and you can never rule out the Academy going with the old firecracker, especially in a supporting category.
Best Original Screenplay
American Hustle 6/5
Dallas Buyers Club 15/1
Blue Jasmine 20/1
20 to one on Blue Jasmine seems generous. Nobody in Hollywood wants another molestation referendum.
Best Foreign Film
The Great Beauty (ITA) 1/4
The Hunt (DEN) 7/2
The Broken Circle Breakdown (BEL) 13/2
Omar (PLE) 33/1
The Missing Picture (CAM) 50/1
No idea, bro. The Hunt was certainly a movie I never want to watch again.
Best Adapted Screenplay
12 Years a Slave 1/7
Before Midnight 21/2
Captain Phillips 15/1
The Wolf of Wall Street 18/1
Best Visual Effects
Field (Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, The Lone Ranger) 8/1
Best Animated Feature Film
Field (The Wind Rises, Ernest and Celestine, Despicable Me 2, The Croods) 7/1
Best Original ‘Score’
Gravity – Steven Price 1/7
Field (Her, The Book Thief, Philomena, Saving Mr. Banks) 13/4
Best Costume Design
The Great Gatsby 2/7
American Hustle 3/1
Field (12 Years a Slave, The Invisible Woman, The Grandmaster) 6/1
Best Original ‘Song’
“Let It Go” from Frozen 1/6
“Ordinary Love” from Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom 6/1
“Happy” from Despicable Me 2 6/1
“The Moon Song” from Her 33/1
Best Documentary Feature
The Act of Killing 1/2
20 Feet from Stardom 3/2
The Square 10/1
Dirty Wars 30/1
Cutie and the Boxer 50/1
Inside Llewyn Davis 15/1
The Grandmaster 50/1
Best Film Editing
Captain Phillips 2/1
12 Years a Slave 15/1
American Hustle 20/1
Dallas Buyers Club 50/1
Best Animated Short Film
Get a Horse! 1/10
Mr. Hublot 8/1
Room on the Broom 20/1
Best Live-Action Short Film
The Voorman Problem 4/7
Avant Que De Tout Perdre 2/1
Aquel No Era Yo 14/1
Pitaako Mun Kaikki Hoitaa? 33/1
Best Makeup & Hairstyling
Dallas Buyers Club 1/100
Jackass Presents Bad Grampa 15/1
The Lone Ranger 20/1
Best Production Design
The Great Gatsby 4/7
12 Years a Slave 6/1
American Hustle 40/1
Will the same film win Best Picture and Director?
Will “12 Years a Slave” win Best Picture, Director, and Actor?
Total Oscar Wins for Gravity
Over 6½ (EVEN)
Under 6½ (-130)
Total Viewers (in Millions)
Will Pharrell Williams wear a Mountain / Buffalo Hat during his performance?
Will Pink make an acrobatic entrance?
Will Pink and Bette Miller [sic] perform a duet?
No advice on these random ones, but I just really like the idea of some leathery lounge lizard crying into his whiskey at the end of the Harrah’s bar. “Jesus, what’s wrong with that guy?” someone would ask the barman.
“Him? You don’t even wanna know about him. Poor sonovabitch bet the farm on a Midler-Pink duet.”
They both shake their heads sadly.