Kid Film Critic Lights Camera Jackson (now 13) actually appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last week, but since no one under 65 watches Jay Leno anyway, I don’t feel bad not posting it until now. In any case, behold. This is what regular local television appearances can do to a child’s development. It looks like he’s tried so hard to model his persona after other inoffensive, personality-free (neutral!) television talking heads during a crucial stage in his development, a stage in which he’d otherwise be experiencing the growing pains of carving out his own identity through rebellion, peer group interaction, and trial and error, that he’s been sanded down into this bizarre, sort of bland humanoid oatmeal robot. Being sort of a robot himself, Leno doesn’t seem to notice, but throughout this segment, Meredith Viera’s creep factor is palpable.
LCJ goes on to say that he doesn’t review the “Hangovers and Bridesmaids-type films,” because those R-rated comedies aren’t meant for kids his age (editor’s note: that’s EXACTLY WHO THEY’RE MEANT FOR!). Meanwhile, he praises Meryl Streep’s performance in The Iron Lady. At the 1:44 mark, when Jay mentions Meryl Streep, LCJ actually rubs his goddamned palms together in anticipation.
Now, I’ve said this before, but at my screening of The Iron Lady, there was a 60-some year old gay man wearing a velour track jacket with Asian dragons printed all over it, about ten feather necklaces and medallions, and a black wifebeater that said CASTRO on it, who would cackle wildly every time Margaret Thatcher did something bitchy. I assume that’s why he came. EVEN THAT GUY walked out halfway through. So congratulations, all you segment producers, local news anchors, morning show stars, late night hosts, ROGER EBERT (who put this kid on Roger Ebert presents), encouraging audiences, and advertisers who failed to put a stop to this (did he say he won a f*cking Emmy?!?), this is your Frankenstein. You’ve created a 13-year-old child that won’t watch raunchy comedies, but just loooves biopics about dementia-addled British Prime Ministers discussing tea with their dead husbands. Yeah, because that’s more wholesome. I’m submitting this into evidence now. In 10 years, you’re all going to jail.