MACHETE CAST: ROBERT DE NIRO? JONAH HILL?

Senior Editor
07.17.09 12 Comments

Take this with a grain of salt or whatever food will keep you from being humiliated for believing untruths, but BloodyDisgusting claims a reliable source tells them that Robert Rodriguez’ Machete (which began as a fake trailer in Grindhouse – video after the jump) will star: Michelle Rodriguez (of course), Robert De Niro (wha?), and Jonah Hill (*spit take*).  ThePlaylist also reports that Steven Seagal will make an appearance.  They say none are signed, but all are “in talks.”

Machete (Trejo) is a Mexican ex-Federale with a gift for wielding a blade, who hides out as a day laborer, who is double-crossed by a corrupt state senator (De Niro).

DANNY TREJO is returning as “Machete”
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ (“Lost”, Fast & Furious, Avatar) is said to be playing “Luz”.
JONAH HILL will play “Julio”.
-Lastly, a legend of our time, ROBERT DE NIRO, will take on the role of “Senator McLaughlin”. [possible dialog: “That’s right, senator. Who’s Mclaughing now?”] [via Bloody-Disgusting]

I had to check if Jonah Hill’s character would be Julio as in “Hoo-lio,” or Julio as in “Jew-lio” — to which he seems better suited. ThePlaylist confirms that he would indeed be playing a Cholo.  (Do jour taxes?  Chale, homes, I’m too sleepy.)  Either way, if any of this actually goes down, Machete will be the most crazily cast movie since The Expendables.  In fact, he should call it “The Mexpendables.”  Wow, let’s see how much more racism I can cram into this post.  Hey, did you guys know all Indians are drunks?  Hurr, look at me, I own a casino. *glug glug glug*

(NSFW for brief nudity at 1:41 – 1:45)

PS – If Robert De Niro had a sex changed and married Michelle Rodriguez, he’d be named Robert Rodriguez.

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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