Hi Ho there, friendly Internet neighbors. Spring has sprung! Except for those of you who live on the East Coast, in which case, snow hell on Earth has devoured you. Sorry about that! Perhaps a March Movie Preview will cheer you up, as you slowly wait for the sweet relief of sunshine.
As per normal, these movies are arranged from least to most sex-worthy.
WOULD NOT BANG
Chappie (March 6)
Vince would have you see this movie, but then again, Vince probably also hates you. His disdain is built upon a fancy education combined with his Jitz, and it knows no bounds. But back in real life, Chappie is a CATASTROPHE. Like, epically awful. The bastard hate child of Jar Jar Binks meets War Horse. Now, I’m not saying I don’t love a good hate watch as much as the next guy, but there’s something truly off-putting about robot torture porn coming from Jo-Burg suboptimals. To say the characters in this are one-note is to go a few notes too high. You? You can get frisky with this disaster, but as for me, I’ll be keeping the P clean here. Can’t risk the Jo-Burg clap. Wait, what’s that? I’ve already seen it? Oh. Never mind. I’m already infected.
Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (March 6)
This looks to be for the elderly. I know people liked the first one, but that’s no reason to go back to the well. As we all know, when you get older, that well be running very dry. Skippage, though it was nice to see Dev Patel competing against himself this weekend. All Dev, all the time!
Unfinished Business (March 6)
What initially looked to be a promising little comedy has been panned by everyone under the sun, and a few hybrid outer space aliens, too (we’re looking at you, Armond White). The flesh was willing here, as you have to love that Dave Franco. Who doesn’t adore him? He’s like the crazy younger brother of an even crazier guy! Still, gotta respect the wisdom of crowds here and keep the junk under wraps.
Cinderella (March 13)
Just not my kind of movie because I don’t own a van and lure unsuspecting children to it. I won’t be seeing or making any more odd sexual jokes about it. The prosecutors don’t need more ammo.
Divergent: Insurgent (March 20)
Clearly, it’s going to be terrible. They’ve got Shailene Woodley all gussied up in a women’s pro softball player haircut, and they’ve clearly asked Kate Winslet not to act AT ALL. The first one was horrible. Why would the be any different? It’s a bridge to the grand finale (French for “final swindle”).
Do You Believe? (March 20)
I don’t, no.
WOULD BANG IN A PINCH
The Gunman (March 20)
Generally, March dramactions are a road to misery filled with regret. But, on the positive side, can I sell you on Sean Penn? Synopsis:
A former Special Forces soldier (Sean Penn) who has PTSD tries to reconnect with his longtime lover, but must first go on the run across Europe to clear his name.
How will his PTSD manifest itself? Knowing Sean “Lean Hen” Penn, it will be with overacting. But it was directed by Pierre Morel, he of Taken and From Paris with Love fame. Should be slightly diggable.
Get Hard (March 27)
I, for one, don’t think the bloom is off the rose for Kevin Hart or Will Ferrell. I still enjoy them. This is a throwaway comedy about Will learning how to prepare for prison. (My advice? Plenty of yoga. You want to be namaste up in there). Clearly, this is about as flimsy a premise as possible, so we’re really counting on the comedic stylings of the duo selling it. I believe they half will, which makes this a half bang.
[Vince’s Note: Also, I found this gif, which seems important:]
Home (March 27)
It’s Dreamworks Animation, which always holds some modicum (Latin for “everyone came”) of promise.
LET ME LOVE YOU DOWN (EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT)
Run All Night (March 13)
If you’re going to throw your lot in with stupidity, you gotta trust the Liam Neesons. Most likely, this will be terrible, but Ed Harris chewing up scenery with Liam Neeson does hold some appeal. There is one major logic problem here: Why don’t they just “run” about four states away, to a small Amish community? I’m not sure why you need to run around with bad guys in the first place. Just a ghost, Liam Neeson, and Liam Neeson’s son. Don’t stick around for the wrath of Ed.
Road Hard (March 13, expanding?)
This is a crowdfunded project of which I contributed to. I’m pretty sure I donated at the level where Adam Carolla records an audio drop for me, but it was a long time ago, and I’m on peyote. I haven’t gotten peep from the Ace-Man yet, but I did like his previous film, The Hammer. He’s got an interesting sideways style of comedy, largely based on kvetching, but he also hates the traditional studio system of filmmaking. I will support you, AC. I will support you into the very fires of Mordor.
Laremy is on Twitter, just like everyone else trying to spout their propaganda.