Anyone who’s been to college knows that there are about a billion sports in which you could participate, even if you’re an albino asthmatic with a severe peanut allergy. Yet brave souls all across New England decided that their private schools’ sports offerings had too many minorities and not enough wands. Thus was born competitive Quidditch. Yes, from Harry Potter. As I reported previously, the Quidditch World Cup (aka the Olympics of Private School) took place in New York this weekend. NYMag was there to witness it first hand.
Quidditch — or Muggle Quidditch, as it’s technically called — is a glorified mash-up of dodgeball, basketball, and rugby. Players run down the pitch trying to toss the quaffle (a kickball) through the goal (a hula hoop taped onto a jerry-rigged PVC-pipe stand).
Baska-what? Ohhhh, you mean muggle basketball. Now I understand.
They’re doing all of this more or less one-handed. The other is always on that phallic piece of wood they’re straddling. (If your broom touches the ground, you’re taken out of the action for fifteen seconds as you simulate the time it would take for a wizard to fall to the ground.)
Within an hour, several people have already been carted off the field with injuries. Two players collided so viciously that one spit out his mouthguard along with a few tablespoons of blood. The woman on the other side of the collision was lying on the ground with her head split open. Volunteer medics rushed over, chanted a Ferula spell, and bandaged her forehead.
You think that’s bad, three quiffles from Sarah Lawrence suffered strained scarves. Meanwhile, Hoyt Velez-Twinklemoss found out natural grass makes him wheeze!
Amid the games, hundreds of fans milled about. Some are wearing shirts that say, “I got 99 problems but a snitch ain’t one.”
You hear that? I think Jay-Z just blew his brains out.
The International Quidditch Association will go on to sell nearly 1,700 official World Cup T-shirts at $20 a pop.
David Wedzik, the owner of specialty Harry Potter–inspired merchandise retailer Alivans, is selling Quidditch brooms ($60 or $75, depending on whether you wanted the Scarlet Hawk or the Scarlet Falcon) and wands ($20 to $40).
Excuse me, sir? Are these Quidditch wands fair trade?
The match is close at first, with Tufts’ keeper playing immaculate defense against a charging front of Middlebury chasers. [blah blah blah, Middlebury won the title]
And then it’s time to party. The PA system starts to blast Middlebury’s anthem, a song called “Midd Kid.”; Phil Gordon, a Middlebury player, grabs the mike and raps his verse:
So don’t cross me bitch, I’ll just chuckle as you struggle /
cause I’m a Midd Kid, and you’re just a f*cking Muggle. [via New York Magazine]
Cool story, bro. …Yeah. So you think that’s bad? Here are the actual lyrics to “Midd Kid“, and I stress, I’m giving you this opportunity to leave before permanently subjecting your brain cells to this.
Still here? Okay, man, don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is like unsarcastic Vampire Weekend.
Yo I roll up to the mill with my flannel on
and from the lawn I can see that the partys on
I see chips and dips (they got cheeses right?)
Hell yea, Vermont Chedder, its purple Jesus night
I see my boys in the back, DJ spinnin the track,
hes with some bitches talkin smack that the tavern was whack
Its the mill yo, and thats what I told ya
cause here we all Gs throwin free granola
Im checkin out the honeys and I spy me a winner
she got Carhart overalls, stained with dinner
I weave through the crowd man I wish I were drunker
but Pub Safe rolls in, so I hit up the bunker
Im a Midd Kid, I swing my nalgene low
Go Green on the side, sippin H20
Im a Midd Kid, I roll my jeans up high
with my Teva strap tight and my flannel so fly
Im a Midd Kid yo and Im livin it up
but I got too much work so Im Libin it up
Dont get me wrong man I do what I please
feelin great cause I am and I gotta succeed
Lookin at my macbook, scopin the scene
Im catchin eyes from this cute little library queen
Im gettin up yo, but I gotta be patient
just wait till I see her at the printing station,
When I work I wear my sunday best
tight ripped jeans and corduroy vest
napsack with some 3 by 5s
I stack books the pound, work a day at a time
Cause Im a Midd Kid, gonna ace the test
and theres no time to rest, no time to stress
I best hit up McCullough when its over and done
grab a fresh Odwalla cause Im on the run
Im a Midd Kid
Im flyin on the pitch as I catch the snitch
and if you dont play Quidditch, then youre a bitch
Yo I rock 22s on my Nimbus 3000
and fresh new shoes when Im hikin a mountain
Keepers by the hoops, fliers in step
got my shorts real high, show my Hufflepuff rep
I got you by a step misjudgin my pass
look me in the eye and Ill bludgeon your ass
I score 300 points to your 76
spitting fresh game at the Quidditch chicks (heey)
so dont cross me bitch, Ill just chuckle as you struggle
cause Im a Midd Kid, and youre just a fucking muggle (censored)
This ones for the girls, and Midd Kids all over the world
swinging your nalgene low (h20)
Now look at that bro, check out his flow
-Key change- (Lax Bro chorus)
Cause Im a lax bro, eh yo I flow in my Polo,
with Natty from a Solo yo, no homo
Im a lax bro, I shred threads on the reg
all the hos should beg, so bitch pump my keg
Cause Im a lax bro
Im a lax bro yo North Face Denali,
rockin Rainbow Sands, wearin Abercrombie
I got 38 visors, a Brine Lacrosse net,
matchin popped collars in my walk in closet
I give my girl gift cards from Tiffany
I got bitches on the horn like Im runnin a symphony
Watchu know about a female (Youre sperrys are retail)
I get in box like gmail
RL, Brooks Dave Matthews tees
Mickey Ds double cheese man Im smashin these
My polo shirt I untuck it, playin ruit I reign buckets
if I aint rippin twine Im sailin to Nantucket
Cause hes a lax bro and Im a laxtitute,
and I dont really care if hes about to boot
hes got a Top Gun pinney and hell pass with that,
Oh my god look at his backwards hat
(Lax Bro Chorus)
Haha, suck on that, bro, your Sperrys are retail. I don’t know what a Sperry is, but I’m pretty sure I want to beat it mercilessly and lock it in a dumpster. Wait, did someone just rep Odwalla? It’s all beginning to make sense…