To complete our erotic, hand-made foreign movie poster journey from Milan to Minsk, which took detours through Poland and Ghana (worst. honeymoon. ever.), I now, through the magic of intertubes, transport you to Belarus, a country Condoleezza Rice famously called “the last remaining true dictatorship in the heart of Europe.”
Of course, that has nothing to do with movie posters, and anyway, I never trust a person with multiple Z’s in their first name. Though not as vividly nutso as the African version, or as head-scratchingly obtuse as the Polish variety, Belarusian posters at their best share with their hand-painted cousins a certain DIY charm, a human touch lacking in many of America’s most soulless Photoshop abortions, even if the Belarusian versions are just hand-painted copies of those same Photoshop abortions. And at their worst, they look like a 10-year-old with inner-ear problems scrawled them while going blind in one eye from tainted vodka (editor’s note: a plausible scenario). But that’s part of the appeal. As one visitor put it:
I was in Minsk, Belarus a couple years back and each movie theatre had handpainted posters out front! I’m talking a painting of Will Smith advertising his new movie, done fresh and hung on the side of the building. When a new movie comes in, the theatre hires an artist to paint a new one. Now that’s keepin it real!!
So come with me, on a magical journey of keeping it real, the one thing poor people will always do better than rich.
Figure it out yet? It’s Shallow Hal. This is one of the more impressively sh*tty ones. I’m no Picasso myself, but I feel comfortable pointing out the incompetence of this one given that they actually made Jack Black look fatter and more feminine that Gwyneth Paltrow.
50 First Dates. This one’s basically copied straight from the regular poster… badly.
Someone in Minsk must really hate Drew Barrymore, and Adam Sandler looks like a ferengi. Bottom line, there seems to be some animosity towards the subjects. Maybe the artist actually had to watch the movie.
Angels and Demons. Again, it’s a sort of hand-made take on the American version. But I like it better. Something about it makes me think it was painted by someone who’d actually seen a demon.
Bridget Jones Diary. The first thing you notice here is that former Easter Bloc nations have a much more relaxed attitude towards cigarette in posters. In America these days, it’d be easier to sneak in a dildo with a Swastika on it. Which, incidentally, are just as addictive.
Cop Out. Come on, that was an easy one.
You get this one? It’s Drag Me to Hell. I don’t like to brag, but I guessed this one without Google Translate. (*pops collar, slicks hair back*)
The one on the right is definitely Four Christmases (and looks at least as realistic as the non-hand-painted version), but I don’t know about the left. I would say White Man Can’t Jump, but unless they replaced Wesley Snipes with a slutty blonde girl with pigtails, I doubt it (not a bad idea though). It also looks a bit like Run Fatboy Run, but making a black girl look like a blonde with pigtails would be pretty aggressively racist, even for the Eastern Bloc.
Freaky Friday. This is just a mess. Lindsay Lohan looks like that runaway bride chick with the crazy eyes. Jamie Lee Curtis looks like a transvestite from the future, or Joan Jett.
That would be the Stephen Sommers masterpiece, GI Joe. Again, it actually looks more like the people it’s depicting than the version that’s supposedly a photo.
Harry Potter. Wait, is that Harry Potter, or a young Ricardo Montalbán trying to stab me with a screwdriver? I would’ve considered that a great honor. The man had gravitas.
Guessed it yet? Yep, that’s Ashton Kutcher and the late Brittany Murphy (*pours cocaine on the floor*) in Just Married. She looks like Robocop in a wig and Kutch looks like a young Joy Behar. Is that an improvement? I leave it up to you.
This is supposedly a poster for Kill Bill. I have no idea who that’s supposed to be.
Kill Bill 2. I’m guessing the guy who painted the last one was a different guy than the one who painted this one. Or he was much more sober.
The Matrix: Revolutions. I usually try to forget that they made a third Matrix movie.
Men in Black 2. I can’t help but notice the distinct lack of black guy on this poster.
Scooby Doo. More like Scooby DON’T, amirite? (*dodges potato*).
Aw, remember when Freddy Prinze Jr. got work?
From left, Hancock, Wall E, and Sex and the City. Let’s move on, I have nothing snotty to say about any of these.
That would be Spider-Man 3. Here’s a detail:
Emo Spider-Man thinks it’s pretty cool.
Spy Kids 3D. True story, the Machete guy directed that.
Terminator. It’s no Terminator Dog, but it’s pretty cool.
Ah yes, who could forget the Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant classic, Two Weeks Notice, with its distinctive back-to-back poster design? They look as bored to be in the poster as I am to remember that this was a movie. Alternate poster:
Okay, these next few I’m going to need some help with. Any ideas? It seems to involve a lesbian-about-town and her two dogs.
My best guesses for this were Frost/Nixon and Shutter Island, but it doesn’t appear to be either of those. Any ideas? Bueller?
It doesn’t look familiar, so I’m assuming it’s Russian or Belorusian, plus that guy looks really Russian. Also, the artwork is 10 times better than most of the rest of these. Maybe it’s a nationalist thing, making all the Hollywood people like cock-eyed and deformed and saving the good art for the locals. That would be kind of fun.
Anyway, thanks for clicking, folks. Sources included:
This isn’t a movie poster, but it is something from Belarus I found while searching for movie posters:
Aw, pretty princess.