Seven years after Zack Snyder slo-mo’d our faces off in 2006’s The 300 (eight by the time this actually comes out), 300: Rise of an Empire, which Laremy’s curse pushed back from a summer 2013 to a spring 2014 release, is back to clean up the remaining scraps of demand that hasn’t already been exhausted by the 15 previous movies that look exactly like it. Directed by Noam Murro, which I’m not even sure is a real name, it tells the story of Whoselah and Whathisstopheles, and their epic battle over whether to cover Greece in the gold curtain rods and shiny face piercings sweeping the great real estate empire of Persia, where all the evil people identify themselves by being grotesque and weird. Something like that. Honestly, I sorta zoned out halfway through. The best part about this for me was Eva Green being in it, because it reminded me to do an image search for Eva Green. My God does that woman have a fantastic attitude about getting naked.