Yesterday, the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Facebook page offered Twilight fans a special Valentine’s Day treat — (to cats) GATHER AROUND, MY PRETTIES, I HAVE EXCITING NEWS — a new picture from the set! It’s probably the most exciting ever to happen to a Twilight fan on Valentine’s Day. The picture shows the Isle Esme (you can tell it’s tropical because of the 10 tropical plants awkwardly planted in the foreground), which, if you’ll remember, is the Brazilian snorkel island the Cullens own where Bella Swan and her sparkly vampire husband go on their honeymoon, first to snorkel and eventually to consummate their love. Because it’s so much sexier when you wait, Edward’s super-powered vampire penis knocks Bella unconscious and he destroys the headboard with his inhuman thrusting (previous set pictures show her clutching feathers from her ruined bed and closing her eyes to keep from being blinded by his ultra-bright sparkling vampire genitals). But in so doing, he fills her womb with the telepathic half-vampire fetus (“Reneesme”) that will eventually sever Bella’s spine and need to be removed via vampire-teeth c-section. Whereupon Jacob the shirtless, ethnic temptation wolf will fall in love with it (these damned ethnic types, you can’t keep ’em from trying to bang your sparkling white babies).
Phew, you guys catch all that? Sorry, I just didn’t want you to fall behind and start asking stupid questions when it comes out in the theater, like “HURRRR, why is the werewolf trying to bang the vampire fetus?” I mean everyone knows that.