New Underground Bunker Ensures Porn Stars Will Survive the Apocalypse

Senior Editor
09.15.11 35 Comments

In what I’m sure is nothing more than a publicity stunt (but also a surefire traffic generator, since you people are incapable of not clicking something with ‘porn’ in the title — trust me, I’ve seen the numbers), a San Fernando porn studio began construction on a post-apocalyptic underground survival bunker this month. The move safeguards our nation’s most precious resource, her porn stars, and ensures that no matter what happens, cockroaches will have something to jack off to.

A spokesman for Van Nuys-based Pink Visual said the bunker will be “far more than a mere bomb shelter or subterranean survivalist enclave” with amenities such as multiple fully-stocked bars, an enormous performing stage and a sophisticated content production studio.

“Our goal is nothing less than to survive the apocalypse to come in comfort and luxury,” said Pink Visual spokesman Quentin Boyer, “whether that catastrophe takes the form of fireballs flung earthward by an all-seeing deity, extended torrential rainfall, Biblical rapture, an earthquake-driven mega-tsunami, radioactive flesh-eating zombies, or some combination of the above.”

Man, they really missed an opportunity to describe it as “fireballs splooged towards Earth by a sex-crazed deity, or perhaps multiple deities in some sort of polytheistic bukkakecopalypse.”

The studio’s website will also be maintained and updated throughout any potential disaster “even if those websites are only available on the bunker’s self-contained local network by that time,” Boyer added. [CBSLocalLA]

The bunker will supposedly have room for 1,200 to 1,500 people, and according to the “blueprints,” will include such amenities as a “co-ed glass shower enclosure decontamination unit,” (decontamination, sure, that’s rich), “private fertility chambers,” and “hydroponics/refrigeration beverage center.” In any case, I sure hope I’m one of the lucky 1200. I’d love to spend eternity jacking off in front of my computer to porn made by people having actual sex in the rooms next door. I’m going out the way I came in, baby.

Sidenote: This story IS Los Angeles.

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