(Sparklebomb’d!)
Nicholas Sparks is a writer of weepy romance fiction who, if Nicholas Sparks is to be believed, is has more talent in his WWJD bracelet than Cormac McCarthy has in his entire collection of archaic dictionaries. Past Sparks books to be made into movies include A Walk to Remember, Nights in Rodanthe, and that one with Miley Cyrus and the sea turtles and the raccoons. Sparks recently wrote a thriller, and with such a successful track record, it’s no surprise to hear that a bidding war for the movie rights is about to begin.
Anyway, the book’s called “Safe Haven” and it carries the tagline, “in the darkest hour, love is the only true safe haven.” (Yeah, tell that to a guy being chased by a bear).
When a mysterious young woman named Katie appears in the small North Carolina town of Southport, her sudden arrival raises questions about her past. Katie seems determined to avoid forming personal ties until a series of events draws her into two reluctant relationships: one with Alex, a widowed store owner with a kind heart and another with her plainspoken single neighbor, Jo. Despite her reservations, Katie slowly begins to let down her guard.
But even as Katie begins to fall in love, she struggles with the dark secret that still haunts and terrifies her . . . a past that set her on a fearful, shattering journey across the country, to the sheltered oasis of Southport. With Jo’s support, Katie eventually realizes that she must choose between a life of transient safety and one of riskier rewards . . . and that in the darkest hour, love is the only true safe haven. [NicholasSparks via Playlist]
I kid, but I actually love this Nick Sparks stuff. Writing Plot-Recreated-With-Reviews posts for his movies is the most fun I ever have at this job. Oh boy, I wonder what Katie’s dark secret will be! Haunted by her nephew’s fatal go-kart accident, did she turn down a hackey-sack scholarship to Vassar? Or maybe she’s a disgraced former paddleboat champion with a full ride to Sarah Lawrence and a head full of bee-sting memories. Oooh, I can’t wait!
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
One time I was being chased by a bear, and he yelled that exact phrase at me. His beard was scratchy.
The Mighty Feklahr wants a Thunderdome-esque deathmatch with Nick Sparks fighting Nic Cage (ssssssthiitting on Nick Ring’sssth ssssthoulderssth).
If the dark secret doesn’t involve a vampire Sparks must hate money. Eat Prey Love Is The Only True Safe Haven.
Oh boy, I wonder what Katie’s dark secret will be!
She aborted her baby. :*(
At 21 months.
I’m pretty sure this has more dramatic tension and character development than Sparklepony’s latest turtlequeef.
Oh boy, I wonder what Katie’s dark secret will be!
Dark secret? She used to be fat and was Jamie Foxx’s dong garage?
Alex, a widowed store owner with a kind heart
He keeps it in the freezer, to remind him of his late wife.
Oooh, please let her dark secret be a niglet. They’re so cute.
Dark Secret is a new malt liquor-scented deodorant. Strong enough for a man, but made for a stank ho.
Sparks believes the children are his future:
[www.epiphany-nb.org]
Living in the example of Christ? Quit your day job, start some shit at your local bank, die young, leave a perforated corpse.
Dark Secret is the highest security classification–President’s eyes only.
Dark Secret is what dignified folk call an SBD shart.
Lifetime Original Movie Producer: What is this bullshit?
Or maybe that’s Dark Secretion.
Geez, you let one train get pulled on you and you have to run for the rest of your life…
Fuck. From that USA Today link:
Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuck you.
Pardon my eloquence.
</disgruntled classicist>
Aslan is on the…
…oops, got a dark secretion in my draws.
Saint Nicholas Sparks fills your stockings with dark secrets and puts love letters under your tree.
He also jerks off in your fireplace.
…she struggles with the dark secret that still haunts and terrifies her
A Ray-J tape?
When a mysterious young woman named
KatieTrish appears in the smallNorth CarolinaConnecticut town, her sudden arrival raises questions about her past.KatieTrish seems determined to avoid forming personal ties until a series of events draws her into two reluctant relationships: one withAlexRooster, a widowedstorevam owner witha kindan artificial heart and another with her plainspokensingle neighbor, Jounlovable internet rival, Jirish. Despite her reservations, Katie slowly begins to let down her guard.Safe Havan, coming soon.
FMHTML.
…she struggles with the dark secret that still haunts and terrifies her
Secret dwarf hooker or GTFO.
reluctant relationship, also known as “gentleman’s rape”.
The bidding war started with, “Wait, people are still going to the theaters and watching this tripe? Fuck it, I’ll give you $1 mil…”
I hope the transient safety vs. riskier rewards is referring to me playing Russian roulette.
The only dark secret she can have that let’s everyone involved win is if she has a double vagina.
Safe Haven, Page 389
Katie marches after Alex as he enters the kitchen. She hides her flustered face from him,
but after years of owning his store he knows when something is off. There was that one time when he caught a woman trying to steal something that his store sells, and that other time when little Billy Tripp shat in fresh produce isle. Something was really weird.
He looks around the kitchen, and says ‘something is really weird’,
And she says ‘why do you say that?’ He says ‘cos you keep tryin’ to get me outta here’,
He says ‘ever since I been in this house your face has went from white to red
and remember when I first walked through the door you acted like you had seen a ghost from the dead’
Then he says ‘girl if you hidin’ something i’m gonna be so mad’, then he hears
something fallin he says ‘ what the fuck was that?’
She said ‘ it sound like it came from upstairs, sounds like the plumbing’,
He said ‘woman that sound did not come from upstairs, I’ll be damned if you’re not up to something,
Said “Now the sound that i just heard, it came from this kitchen,” and then he looks over by the stove
while shes easin’ over by the dishes. and then he walks over to the refrigerator and pushes it back,
and then he looks in her face, looks like shes about to have a heart-attack, then he notices the pie on the counter
One slice is missing, now the stories gettin’ scary, cos he comes to realise that Katie is allergic to cherries.
Then he slowly looks up at her and now her face is red as hell, he’s breathing real hard,
movin’ closer, she says ‘hon you don’t look so well’
And then he says move
She says no
He says move
She says no
BITCH MOVE!!! she moves, and then, he looks at the cabinet,
he walks to the cabinet, get close to the cabinet, now he’s opening the cabinet.
Now pause the movie cos what i’m about to say to ya’ll is so damn twisted,
Not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man… is a MIDGET!