Option this now: Dolphinf*cker, the Movie

04.08.10 8 years ago 87 Comments

While Hollywood’s busy buying the rights to this jagoff‘s stupid how-to books about a robot uprising, genuine potential blockbusters slide by right underneath their noses like so much lines of cocaine.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that if any book deserves to be a movie, it’s Malcolm Brenner’s new book about his nine-month “emotional and sexual relationship” with a dolphin.

In 1971, Malcolm Brenner says he began a nine-month emotional and sexual relationship with a dolphin named Ruby. His passionate, real-life romance with the marine mammal is the basis for his new novel, Wet Goddess: Recollections Of A Dolphin Lover (Brenner).

Brenner met the sea seductress while taking photos of Ruby for a Florida [OF COURSE] amusement park and things escalated from there. He says the dolphin would nuzzle, flirt, and dance for him in the water, making it known that she wanted something more than friendship. The constant “come-ons” led Brenner to look at Ruby as a person. At the dolphin’s suggestion they got physical and engaged in sex, an experience he calls “phenomenal.”

Brenner says a relationship with a dolphin is hard because they’re clingy and “require attention 24/7.” Since his tryst with Ruby, he’s never loved another. [FlashNews]

“I would say it’s sort of like Romeo and Juliet. Instead in this book, Juliet is a 400 pound marine mammal,” he said.

Brenner says he only printed 50 copies of his book. He’s now trying to figure out how many copies he can print for the second edition.  [NBC2]

“Hey, man, it was the 70s.  We were all a bunch of crazy kids back then.  It was all free love and dolphin f*ckin and Studio 54, maaan.”  Oh God, please tell me he used the blowhole.  If you effed a dolphin and didn’t use the blowhole, it just seems like it’d just be a waste.  I think we all know he’s going to need a lot more than 50 copies.  How about a million?  How about 50 million?  In fact, I hear Joel Osteen‘s already trying to capitalize on the Dolphin love craze.  As for me personally, I think the main drawback would be that dolphins are said to be very intelligent.  I’d much prefer something lithe, but dumb and flighty with daddy issues, like a gazelle, the struggling actresses of the animal kingdom.  Oh, Florida.  Don’t ever change, baby.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Would you watch a movie about man-on-dolphin sex?

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