Last year I ripped the critically-acclaimed Romanian film 4 Months, etc for leaving in copious amounts of tedious shots where nothing much happens, as if that makes something arty. ThePlaylist recently reviewed another another award-winning Romanian film, Police, Adjective (kind of an awesome title), and it too sounds delightfully excruciating.
It turns out that it’s the most boring f-cking movie that’s ever been filmed. Ever.
Let’s rundown the movie’s “plot:” a Romanian cop is tasked with tracking a teenage pot smoker, an offense that could send the kid to jail for the better part of a decade. The cop wrestles with the morality of this assignment and, in one of the more painful sequences, we watch him eat soup for a good 10 minutes. (Painful because the soup doesn’t look very yummy [this is my new favorite line of a review –ed.] and every slurp is given the deafening, digital sound treatment of a stampeding “Jurassic Park” dinosaur.)
We watch as the cop follows the kid, for chunks of at least 20 minutes. We watch him dodge meetings with his superior. We watch him eat soup. We watch him follow the kid for another 20 minutes. And the only interjection is a couple of scenes where we get to read his police reports. No voice over, nothing. We see something happen for a long ass amount of time, then we read a description of what just happened. It’s not interesting, it’s not arty, it’s head-up-your-ass pretentious, and it’ll make you want to claw your eyes/hair out, while others around you force strained laughter. (Yes, this is supposed to be a comedy.)
The “climax” of the movie involves the cop finally having a sit-down with the superior he’s been avoiding for the whole movie. The superior makes the cop read definitions from a dictionary. THAT IS LITERALLY IT. [ThePlaylist]
Watching someone eat with the sounds of their chewing amplified is my definition of hell. Which is why I can’t watch Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern – (stop talking with your mouth full, you fat, disgusting f’ck). But Romanian movies are awesome. I wish Kevin James’ next movie, The Zookeeper was Romanian. Instead of learning dating tips from the zoo animals, he would just look at pictures of them in Zoobooks while eating a loaf of bread and staring out the window. The window is a metaphor for his yearning, you see.