What better way to destroy the capitalist culture of America than by stealing away one of the nation’s great entertainers and icons like Leonardo DiCaprio? That seems to be the secret plan of Vladimir Putin and Russia, as DiCaprio’s latest Oscar snub has left the door open for a scheme so diabolical that it could have only been planned out by those secret KGB plants that are currently living in America like in the documentary Salt. According to the Hollywood Reporter, a “theater troupe” in the city of Chelyabinsk is sending DiCaprio his very own cast-iron “Russian Oscar” statue, and it’s only a matter of time before the notorious model-dating playboy ends up wearing olive drab on his pleasure yacht.
Included with the statue is a lifetime pass to all of the Chamber Theater’s productions, as well as an open-ended invitation for The Wolf of Wall Street star to appear in their plays. There’s just one catch, though, and it has geopolitical domination plot written all over it.
“As Leonardo does not speak Russian, we can start with offering him a wordless part of a servant in the play Plennye Dukhi (Captive Spirits),” the theater’s spokesman Yury Sychev was quoted as saying by local publication Khoroshiye Novosti.
Sychev added that the theater would later consider the actor for the main parts in the plays Intrigue and Love by Friedrich Schiller and Shkola dlya Durakov (School for Fools) by Russian author Sasha Sokolov. “Learning a part in a foreign language without knowing what it says shouldn’t be a problem for a true actor,” he said. (Via THR)
Not only does the Russian troupe want DiCaprio to be its slave, but it is challenging his acting ability by basically saying that if he’s as good an actor as he pretends to be, he’ll have no problem memorizing Russian lines, despite not knowing what they mean. Even I can see that it’s just a ruse to get him to openly admit that Putin is his one true leader. Nice try, Russia, but we saw through your BS in Iron Eagle 2 and we see through it now. YOU KILLED DOUG MASTERS, RUSSIA! WE’LL NEVER FORGET!