The Fast and the Furious was a film about a group of felonious street racers and the undercover police officer who was tasked with taking them down. Its sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious, followed a similar premise, but took us all to Miami and replaced Vin Diesel with Tyrese. Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift — which is one of the greatest titles of anything ever — changed the formula entirely, focusing on a dollar store version of Paul Walker as he navigated a dangerous Japanese high school with Bow Wow, presumably because whatever it was cool and how many movies have you made? Anyway, the whole gang came back for 2009’s Fast & Furious, which ended (Spoiler Alert) by having Vin Diesel drive his car through a goddamn mountain and crush the bad guy against another car. And the most recent film, Fast 5, added The Rock, and was set in Brazil, and at one point they ripped a bank vault out of a building and drove all over the place towing it behind them on a 30-foot long chain while every police officer in Rio chased after them.
My point here is that these movies are awesome and America is a great, strong nation.
The first commercial for the sixth film in the franchise, Fast and Furious 6, debuted during the Super Bowl. As UPROXX’s resident expert on the series, I feel it is my duty to walk you all through it. I hope you like tanks and exploding planes.
The trailer opens with some words but they can f-ck right off because within eight (8) seconds we already have a military vehicle flying 10 feet in the air and doing a full front flip on a deserted road. This will be a recurring theme.
This is the face Vin Diesel makes when The Rock asks for his help*. You can tell things are serious, and so is Vin Diesel, because his nostrils are flared and his brow is furrowed. This is called “acting.” Please make a note.
*I will be calling pretty much everyone by their real name instead of their character’s name. I do this a lot because I have no attention span and am bad at watching movies. I mean, I have seen Fast 5 like four times and I still don’t remember The Rock’s name it. Whatever. KABOOM.
“Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. My name is Tyrese. I like to race cars and sh-t, but sometimes I also enjoy a nice glass of chilled Moët on a private plane. Please, have a seat, won’t you?”
The most important thing I’ve learned from the Fast & Furious franchise is that underground street races are awesome and pretty girls from miles and miles away flock to them in glorified underpants. We should put all of the films in a time capsule containing literally nothing else so future civiliations can study them the way we study the Rosetta Stone.
SCIENTIST: What have you learned from the artifacts, Dr. Historian?
OTHER SCIENTIST: Females used to love neon things that go fast. Also, bleep blorp I am a robot.
So this is the part of the commercial where lots of normally ground-based vehicles fly through the air. Sure, there were ground-based vehicles flying through the air before, but this is where it gets serious, as you can tell by Paul Walker launching himself across a highway divider. He’ll do that.
And here is a car flying through a downtown office building. Don’t ask questions. There’s no time…
… BECAUSE NOW A TANK IS JUST BUSTING OUT THE FRONT OF SOME OTHER THING LIKE “YO, SUP? F-CK OFF. I’M A TANK. OUTTA THE WAY.”
This is the second best “thing driving out of another thing” scene in the trailer. Hang tight.
Oh, and after the tank blasts out of the carrier thing and starts driving around all tank-like, Ludacris grabs his walkie-talkie and says, “Uh, guys … they got a tank!”
Ludacris is very observant.
Here is a dude driving some sort of Go-Kart version of the Batmobile. If I know anything about anything, at some point during the movie, this thing will fly through the air like an eagle, get shot with a rocket, and land on the street completely unharmed.
FACT: Every single police car in the Fast franchise ends up totaled. Every one.
I bet you idiots thought there wasn’t going to be a shot of Vin Diesel lifting a dude up so The Rock could deliver a devastating forearm to his throat like someone up and made them tag team champions of the world between the last two films.
This is what is happening in this shot:
Vin Diesel was apparently trapped in an airplane, in his car. The rest of the crew showed up as the plane was taking off, shot it with grappling hooks as they were driving down the runway at breakneck speed, and dragged it to the ground like a deflated balloon. Then, as the plane was busy exploding, Vin Diesel drove his car right through its nose to escape.
HE DROVE A CAR THROUGH THE NOSE OF AN EXPLODING PLANE.
We are all going to see this movie.