Senior Editor
02.05.09 34 Comments

Formula for diversity: Two whites, a black and an Asian. What did Mexicans ever to do you, Milton Bradley?

If you didn’t think someone could come up with an idea infinitely more stupid than an Ouija Board movie, you obviously aren’t reading enough Hollywood news.

Universal Pictures is sweet on “Candy Land.” Studio has set Etan Cohen [Tropic Thunder] to write and Kevin Lima [Enchanted] to direct a live-action feature based on the enduring Hasbro board game.  The tyke-friendly board game isn’t as obvious an inspiration for a movie project as those other Hasbro brands, but the studio has tapped talent adept at comedy and family fare. [Variety]

It’s not an obvious inspiration for a movie because it’s just Sorry with f-cking candy painted on the board.  And not even good candy either, it’s like some shit people like in Victorian England ate, like yeast-filled prunes and marmalade-covered gelatine.  Do you know how f-cking poor you have to be to enjoy Candy Land?  Look, kids, pictures of candy!  Now let’s all close our eyes and pretend this dead cat is a nice warm fire!  Which pack of mongoloids decided that anything popular could be a movie?  Why not Ovaltine the movie, or Febreze?  Wait, did you just write that down?  Come back here!

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