Greetings, folks. Just like I always warned, I won’t be around to clean up your messes tomorrow. I’m currently en route to Las Vegas, where I’ll be volunteering at the abandoned puppy shelter. These poor pups need all the help my rugged, chiseled kegel muscles can provide, so you’ll have to rely on the smooth vocal stylings of my understudies and shirtless Indian wrestling partners Burnsy and Chodin tomorrow. They’ve promised me they’ll both act like responsible adults and I’ve left enough money for pizza on the kitchen table so you don’t starve. I’m coming back Monday, and I better find all my sex toys exactly the way I left them. In fact, before I left, I licked them all just to keep you from using them. Now it would just be gross.
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