Snorkels the Vampire Fetus Made Taylor Lautner Cry

Senior Editor
09.21.11 19 Comments

As much as I live to make fun of anything related to Twilight and Twihards and Stephenie Meyer’s clumsily-written ode to creepy stalkers, I tend not to rip on Robert Pattinson too much, because frankly, he seems pretty cool. He’s candid in interviews, and seems to make jokes at the Twilight-media’s expense from time to time. Taylor Lautner, on the other hand… well, to be blunt, he seems like a dead-eyed Tom Cruise bot with less acting ability.

Feed him some ham,

PopSugar: I know you said you had the chance to see Breaking Dawn a couple of times and you promised that it’s going to make fans cry. Does that mean you teared up a little bit?

Taylor Lautner: Oh yes! Yeah, of course. It’s an emotional one. You see the same characters we’ve grown to know and love in a completely different light than you’ve seen them before. I mean, it’s still part of the same franchise, but I mean it’s a completely different movie — and I think that’s going to be exciting for fans to see.

I tend to doubt he actually cried during the movie, as that would require expressing emotion. It’s more likely the Lautner-bot simply answers anything in the affirmative so long as his censors calculate that doing so will better help him infiltrate the hyoo-mon race.”Hey, Taylor — some of your biggest fans say you have the personality of a Pop Tart. Does that make this your toastiest performance yet?” “Oh, definitely. It’s toasty and crisp, but also gooey and delicious. We’re all really excited, meep morp.”

In related news, today I discovered that the llama who looks like Taylor Lautner is actually an alpaca. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

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