If you’re like me, you find yourself wondering why you’re pissing away money each month on Netflix instant streaming and Hulu Plus, when it almost always seems like there’s absolutely nothing new to watch. Sure, I can order a DVD from a much wider selection, but I’ve also had Taken 2 sitting on my desk since January and I’ve already seen that damn movie. I’m an impatient bro in a fast-paced world, and I want new movies to watch, and I want them NOW.
To solve that, I’m going to dive into Netflix’s and Hulu’s deep ends each week and pick some “recently added” or new streaming titles to break down and suggest for everyone to watch so that we don’t feel like we’re throwing our money into a toilet fire. It’s one-half Mid-Week Guide to Streaming, one-half Netflix Instant Theatre and one-half Weekend Movie Guide.
Hopefully it helps you find some new favorite films, and I swear that I won’t pick 10 50 Cent movies each week. I’d say there aren’t even enough to do that, but they multiply like wet Gremlins after midnight.
This week’s streaming selections:
Venus and Vegas
Funeral Kings
Hard Breakers
The Ecstasies of Women
Rob Schneider: Soy Sauce and the Holocaust
Bad Girl Island
State of Emergency
Crawlspace
AE: Apocalypse Earth
Should you watch any of these random, possibly unheard of films? Let’s examine.
Venus and Vegas
Starring: Eddie Kay Thomas, Donald Faison, Eddie Guerra, Jaime Pressly, Molly Sims
Desperate for cash, Eric and his buddies think they’ve found the perfect easy score: robbing a warehouse full of counterfeit casino chips that belong to an old-school Vegas mobster. But when the heist goes bad, they’ve got a real mess on their hands.
Random Netflix User Review: “Eh, it’s not bad, but it’s not good either. It’s about what you’d expect for a direct to DVD movie. The acting isn’t terrible, as most of the people involved are recognizable, not A list celebrities, but still people who’ve been involved in things of note. The storyline was a bit predictable, and there were a few funny moments, but not a lot. I wouldn’t say it was a total waste of an hour and a half, assuming you don’t have anything better to do. I rounded up to 3 stars, but I’d say it’s really about 2 and a half. I didn’t hate it, I didn’t really like it either, and I’ll probably forget all about it in time. This movie isn’t going to knock your socks off, but there are worse ways to spend a Saturday night at home.”
Should You Watch It? I’ll tell ya, that’s not the most original plot, but it’s definitely not the dumbest. And I’m always willing to give Donald Faison a chance, even if I never liked Scrubs. It’s just that smile. He’s so damn charming.
Funeral Kings
Starring: Dylan Hartigan, Alex Maizus, Jordan Puzzo, Charles Kwame Odei, Kevin Corrigan, Michaela McManus
The altar boys at St. Mark’s love a funeral. They’re pulled out of school to work the event and never seem to make it back to class afterward. But too much free time can be the devil’s playground, as the boys are about to find out.
Random Netflix User Review: “No one knows how to make movies anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Should You Watch It? I don’t know, that’s a lot of exclamation points.
Hard Breakers
Starring: Sophie Monk, Cameron Richardson, Tom Arnold, Tia Carrere, Chris Kattan, Bobby Lee
Tired of waiting for men to take action (and typically disappoint), resourceful beach babes Alexis and Lindsay decide to go out and get what they want — quite literally, by treating men as a species to be hunted.
Random Netflix User Review: “This movie is hilarious, very silly, and fun. Perfect for a girls night in. I watched it with some girlfriend and some drinks and we laughed our heads off!”
Should You Watch It? It depends. Do you think that girl actually laughed her head off? Like, her parents came home and screamed in horror as their daughter and her friend were decapitated and there was blood everywhere? Because, if so, I don’t want to watch it.
The Ecstasies of Women
Starring: Walter Camp, Bonnie Clark, Dee Howard, Sharon Matt, Antoinette Maynard, Jeanette Mills
Harry’s friends throw a stag party for him at a topless go-go club on the eve of his wedding. At the party, he reflects on the good times he’s had, including a number of seductions that took place on his yacht.
Random Netflix User Review: “What? What is going on here? Ecstasies can be found at 12:07, 22:14, 46:23, and 1hour and 12 mins. Otherwise, it was a giant, harry pubis covered waste of time. That is all.”
Should You Watch It? Best. Netflix review. Ever. Also, I think there’s nudity in this one, so make sure you’re 18 or older.
Rob Schneider: Soy Sauce and the Holocaust
Starring: Rob Schneider
“SNL” alum Rob Schneider takes to the stage (as himself) to examine the bizarre nature of fame, the woes of aging and the virtue of sweatpants. Known for his off-the-wall characters, Schneider opens up about his own life, which can be equally zany.
Random Netflix User Review: “MAKING COPIES!!! Right? Remember that? YOU CAN DO IT!!! Haha, that was awesome, right? Schneider’s the man, you guys. He should make another Deuce Bigalow movie and win an Oscar.”
Should You Watch It? I have a confession to make… I wrote that review and gave the standup show 5 stars, even though it might have deserved the opposite.
Bad Girl Island
Starring: AnnaLynne McCord, Antonio Sabato Jr., James Brolin, Joanna Bacalso, Dalas Davis, Bill Lewis, Stacy Ann Rose, Mario Macaluso
After a gorgeous temptress mysteriously appears on an exotic island in the Bermuda triangle, a film producer dreams of her seducing him — then wakes to a nightmare with his best friend murdered and himself the prime suspect in this sexy thriller.
Random Netflix User Review: “None of this movie made sense. Started out as an erotic movie but then become a political moral story. Some poor Haitians refugees tried to get on a boat and so a random assortment of people who all happen to know or be related to Antonio Sabato Jr. killed them all and tape the whole thing. For what reason? No reason.”
Should You Watch It? HOW ABOUT A SPOILER ALERT, BRO??? Whatever, I’m watching.
State of Emergency
Starring: Jay Hayden, Andy Stahl, Tori White, Scott Lilly, Kathryn Todd Norman, McKenna Jones, Loren Albanese
After an explosion unleashes the contents of a biological weapons plant, the locals are transformed into an army of flesh-eating zombies. Trapped in the quarantine zone, Jim finds himself cut off, confused and fighting for his own survival.
Random Netflix User Review: “Please watch this movie, here is why. Rather this was a low budget movie or not. It is very good. It’s not your typical blood and gore slasher zombie movie. Very well acted and the script, yes it has a real script. And it was very good.”
Should You Watch It? Absolutely. It has zombies. Ask Vince, zombie movies are the best.
Crawlspace
Starring: Amber Clayton, Ditch Davey, Eddie Baroo, Peta Sergeant, Fletcher Humphrys, Nicholas Bell
When a super-secret underground military facility in Australia is attacked, the government sends in an elite squadron to rescue the workers. The mission becomes even more complicated when the soldiers encounter a beautiful amnesiac in a crawlspace.
Random Netflix User Review: “A uniquely original sci-fi story with good acting, direction, special effects, script, story-line, plot, and camera, and sound,! This takes a new venture into psychological warfare and convinces me that not only is well done, but may be closer to experimentation and classified documentation than most people would believe! Very plausible and comprehensive story done with skill. For a low budget film it is ingenious and possible given some of the psychological brain washing done in Korea and Viet Nam!”
Should You Watch It? Yes, but only if we can all watch it with that reviewer, because he sounds like a blast at parties.
AE: Apocalypse Earth
Starring: Adrian Paul, Richard Grieco, Bali Rodriguez, Gray Hawks, Michelle Jones, Steve Bencich, Jayson McCardell, Jessica Russo
In this post-apocalyptic sci-fi fantasy, a group of refugees from Earth lands on an exotic planet, where they must fight ruthless aliens to survive. Richard Grieco and Adrian Paul star.
Random Netflix User Review: “Why on earth would they waste time making this junk…are they kidding. The first Star wars was made like 100 BC and this nonsense can’t even come close to the FX of Star Wars. Don’t even think about budgets because a lot of time passed and we have come a long way since then…you wouldn’t know it watching this garbage. Where did they get these actors? I just don’t understand why they pass this stuff onto us, like we’re fools wanting any kind of entertainment and don’t know what quality is. Waste of time, money and effort…just the thought of people sitting around thinking how to produce this… or feeding the actors…the electric power consumed on set and studio…wow, what a shame.”
Should You Watch It? F*ck yeah, it’s Grieco!