Do you want to see Steven Seagal do a Southern accent and slit a guy’s throat with a karate chop? Of course you do. All you need to know about this trailer is that it’s called Maximum Conviction, and it stars Steven Seagal and
Stone Cold Steve Austin. It hits DVD and Blu-Ray March 18th, and it looks like it was made for about 18 dollars. It opens with Steven Seagal doing a syrupy southern drawl, and if you’ve never heard Steven Seagal’s dialect work before, you’re in for a treat. Russian, Italian, Asian, Latino, American Indian – Steven Seagal can play virtually any race unconvincingly. This time around, it seems they spun the Steven Seagal wheel of jobs and it landed, as it so often does, on “ex-special forces.” Judging by the shemagh scarf thing he wears when training fat, racist Arizonans in tactical paintball, Steven Seagal pretends to be an ex-special forces op on a daily basis, so he should have no problem doing it in a movie (he also claims to have worked with the CIA, incidentally).
Meanwhile, Steve Austin plays a “weapons expert,” and together, they have to fight their way through a “black-site” prison full of high-value detainees when some bad guys take it over and lock them inside. They’re going to need all their wits if they’re going to make it out alive, and all of their punching and kicking. We also get:
- Karate chops to the throat
- Boxed ears
- Ripped-out Adam’s Apples
- Kicks to da groin (danga da danga dang...)
- A move at the 1:10 mark where I think Seagal just gets tired of punching and crushes the guy by taking a rest on top of him with his bloated body.
Pay special attention to the 48-second mark where Seagal actually slits a guy’s throat with a karate chop. GO GO GADGET KNIFE HANDS! It’s funny, I was under the impression that high-value detainees would be mostly bombmakers and terrorist masterminds, you know, guys that plan attacks and stuff. But it turns out, they’re mostly Russian gangsters and big black guys. But Steven Seagal was in the CIA, so I guess he would know this stuff. You learn something new every day.
The only thing that could make this movie better is if they hired the Spin Doctors to come in and do a version of “Two Princes” called “Two Steves.” But I don’t think this production could afford the Spin Doctors.
[Thanks to ThePlaylist for the tip]