Steven Seagal is such a constant source of entertainment, I don’t even know how to introduce his posts anymore. He can’t keep track of space and time. He collects ornate saddles. He sings reggae songs about poonani. He said Above the Law was semi-autobiographical, alludes to having been a CIA spy, and challenged a UFC champion to a street fight, as long as no one was watching. The list of his exploits is so long, he should have his own minstrel, and probably has at some point.
Today, a reader sent me a link to a Consumerist story about a Colombian company that hopes to the become the first to successfully market a line of bulletproof vests, clothing and backpacks for children. Putting aside the basic depressingness of that entire sentence, this story was also notable for containing the following passage:
Lest anyone question whether these garments will be the real deal, the company’s head of research and development threw out some high-profile customers to back up its safety claims.
“Three royal families in the Middle East are customers of ours. We made a bullet-proof kimono for the American actor Steven Seagal. Our experience is beyond question,” she explained.
A bullet-proof kimono. Can you imagine your desire to wear kimonos being so strong that you’d demand to wear one even while you were potentially being shot at? During which other activities does Steven Seagal demand to stay in-kimono? Snorkeling? Sky diving? Parasailing? Actually, I think I answered my own question there. Steven Seagal would absolutely wear a bulletproof kimono while parasailing. As always, Steven Seagal’s real life is as ridiculous as his movies, possibly because he can’t tell the difference. In fact, “Bulletproof Kimono” would make a great name for a Steven Seagal movie. Wait no, check that, the title needs three words. Let’s go with “Under Bulletproof Kimono.”
Thanks for the tip, Justin.
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Around 5:20 in you get to see the actual kimono!!! I always thought Steven Seagal himself was bulletproof so this is a pretty big let down :(
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It’s “Living the dream” not “Live in the dream” Steven.
Robe of Fury
Hard to Lounge
Sensei Seagal doesn’t need bullet-proof sleeves. his arms will grow back like a lizard’s tail. True story.
“Steven Seagal is Sgt. Nick Kimono, a former Delta Force operator investigating Cleveland’s Yakuza boss . . .”
“…to stop the Yakuza and save his kidnapped daughter, he must break all the rules…one arm at a time.”
“This time it’s personal . . . and uniquely physiological.”
Funfact. Bulletproof Kimono was going to be the name of the collaboration album between Seagal and Ghostface.
He’s got to be fucking with us at this point, right? Steven Seagal to replace Brady as king troll?
I would be more surprised if he didn’t.
Seagal always looks like he’s wearing the cheap Dracula wig i had when i was 10
Steven Seagal is Out for Meat Lovers Pizza
When INTERPOL Agent Kim Ono gets too close to Japan’s heroin trade he’s gunned down in a hail of Yakuza bullets.
They thought they’d sent a message, but what they were was…
On Deadly Gunt
Bro the dude is so fat they should have called it a bullet proof Kimoomoo
That commented was directed at a spambot that is thankfully no longer here. Disregard.
I hope the only time Seagal takes off his bulletproof Kimono is to cover you with it. And sit on you.
Bro if he had been wearing it in executive decision he could have used it to gently parachute to the ground instead of dying Bra
I love All of Steven Seagal movies but i would like to see him and Chuck Norris in a match
I like to make fun of Seagal, but he would crush Chuck Norris. In addition to being roughly twice his size, Chuck Norris is like 70-something. And arguably an even bigger douche.