Taylor Lautner is a terrible actor with a vulgar nose and a mouth-breathing problem, but where else would Hollywood find an athletic-looking 19-year-old? Of course they had to put him in a thousand movies. You act as if they had a choice. As a studio exec, it’s not about what you like, it’s about what the kids like that you pretend to like to seem relevant. Anyway, today brings us the trailer for Lautner’s first headlining role, in Abduction, for Boyz in the Hood director John Singleton. MORE LIKE ABZ-DUCTION, AMIRITE?? Side note: Boyz in the Hood was 20 years ago. Can we start calling him 2 Fast 2 Furious director John Singleton now?
The plot: Taylor Lautner is Nathan, just your average, rippling-abbed high school kid with mirrored shades and a super-cool motorcycle. His life was one endless high-five pool party, until one day (*RECORD SCRATCH*), his best do-able-but-platonic female friend calls up and says, “Nathan. You’ve gotta see this. I found this site showing what missing kids might look like today.” Because clearly, every high school girl stays up all night perusing photos on missing children’s websites. Nathan pulls it up on his new Macbook, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a kid on the site who looks EXACTLY LIKE NATHAN. And instead of just being like, “Haha, isn’t that funny, I look just like a computer-generated image on a missing person’s site,” he’s all like, “OMG, DROP EVERYTHING, CLEARLY I’VE BEEN ABSDUCTED!”
And that’s when Stanley Tucci* kicks down the door and shoots his mom.
I know what you’re thinking: But, Vince, will there be parkour? And to that I say peep the 2:08 mark, homey. BOOM, PARKOUR LLAMA! Though my favorite part is watching Lautner try to act. He has two emotions, Determined and Confused. They both look pretty much the same.
*A guy who looks like Stanley Tucci, probably.