VINCE’S DISCLAIMER: I didn’t make a list of worst movies this year because to do it fairly, I would’ve had to knowingly subject myself to terrible movies. I don’t care what anyone says, you do that often, eventually it’s going to mess you up. Ever read a film critic who’s seen every Katherine Heigl ass-pile (or whatever the equivalent of Heigl was in 1983) for the last 30 years? They slowly go insane, they start recommending films like Atonement. Poor Peter Travers used to be the best critic around. Now he feeds his scabs to pigeons and buries herring in his garden to commemorate krystallnacht. I don’t believe in seeing every movie and pretending I don’t already have a pretty good idea which ones are going to suck. Snobby as it may sound, I’m trying to not ruin my taste buds by purposely scalding them on microwaved chili biscuits from Am/Pm. But I know how people love lists of bad movies. Luckily, for that we have Burnsy. You think that guy worries about his taste? Dude lives in Orlando. [/end disclaimer]
Putting together a Top 10 list is a grueling process in any genre, but I found the feat of selecting the 10 worst movies of 2010 to be downright painful. It’s primarily difficult because these movies are atrocious piles of cow flop that should cause unparalleled levels of shame to be cast upon the families of everyone involved in them. It was also painful because I watched so much crap this year, and there was so much more crap that I could have watched but just couldn’t. Seriously, The Bounty Hunter? I don’t have the will power to not throw my TV into traffic. But here’s the thing – I enjoy watching terrible movies so much more than great movies because I live to criticize. Vince can tighten his scarf and crank Florence + The Machine from his hybrid IROC while he raves about Hesher, but by all accounts Hesher is a great movie, so nobody’s going to argue.
I find that terrible movies incite so much more debate than great movies. For example, anytime I mention that my choice for the worst movie of all-time is Empire Records, I get yelled at by at least 5 girls (before we have an orgy). It never fails. However, in order to put this list together I had to look beyond the eventual scathing retorts I will receive and go with my heart. Or in this case, my anus. This list features some very obvious choices, because these movies just flat out sucked on levels that I never knew existed. And each of the 10 movies could justifiably be ranked No. 1. By no means am I a qualified movie critic, but I do have the benefit of being in the most important demographic in America (hooray for white males 18-35!), so my opinion is quite valuable. All in all, my sacrifices have been made for your education, friends.
Please enjoy, and feel free, as always, to tell me how wrong I am or point out my glaring omissions. But be kind, because my mom reads this. She started an account to say how awesome this site is…