And now, I present to you, the single greatest news lede that will ever be written. Oh Florida, don’t ever change.
BERVARD COUNTY, Fla. [sic] — The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail. [WFTV]
Well good for him. He was just havin’ a little fun, gropin’ chicks, puttin’ burritos down his pants — you know, the yooouge. Boys will be boys, amirite? “Is that a burrito in your Captain America costume, or are you just happy to see me– Oh. I see. It actually is a burrito. And no, I don’t want to taste your sour cream– okay, I take that back. It’s actually quite refreshing.”
I dub thee “Dr. Gropey McBurritopants.”
UPDATE: But wait, there’s more!
On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.
The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.” The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station.
Well sure. I say let he who’s never stashed the ol’ Derringer burrito in his boot cast the first stone.