Like lists? I don’t care! This is a list of my favorite stories in the world! Here on FilmDrunk, we know we run a site that’s supposed to be about movies, but every once in a while, a story comes along that’s so insane that it sounds like it should be a movie, and we can’t help but cover it. Besides, how much consistency can you expect from me? I’m not even wearing pants. Stop harshing my mellow, guy.
These days, the headlines are so insane that “man bites dog” just doesn’t cut it anymore. If that infamous dog biter from the old time days wanted to make headlines today, he’d have to eat the dog’s eyeballs, then train it to have sex with his daughter, whom he’d kept locked in a backyard shed for the last 20 years. So without further ado, here are my picks for the most insane news stories of 2010, the stories which — some funny, some tragic, some weird — made me feel like I’d been f*cked by a blind dog in a backyard shed.
12A. (Late Addition): Woman Arrested After Demanding Cunnilingus At Knife Point
In what was perhaps the worst performance of Black Swan fan fiction of all time, West Virginian Melissa Lee Williams was arrested in November for demanding cunnilingus at knife point.
According to investigators, Williams–who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn–showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my p***y.” At this point, Williams “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger.
While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”
Yes, sadly, this lake was too polluted for swans.
This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my p***y or I’m going to cut your f**king throat.”
When Deputy Mellinger arrived on the scene he observed Williams–who, like the two men, appeared to be intoxicated–nude from the waist down. After pocketing a knife that was on the coffee table in front of Williams, Mellinger arrested her for domestic assault and brandishing a deadly weapon. [Sounds like she was brandishing two, but who’s counting.] |via TheSmokingGun|
Since this happened in West Virginia, I like to imagine Lee’s ex-husband stumbling home from the coal mine hacking up soot, chewing Red Man, and throwing back Mountain Dew after Mountain Dew, and then when she shows up with her kitty out he still nearly vomits from the stench. Good God, that thing must be like a superfund site. Though I do enjoy the West Virginia tradition of keeping your ex in the same motor lodge in case it’s late and you want some oral sex.
12B. Out of Work Actor Kills with a Sword Part 1
Step Up 3D bit player and Ugly Betty extra Michael Brea this year killed his mother with a decorative Masonic sword, proving once again that hell hath no fury like an out-of-work actor with a sword.
Neighbors heard screams coming from an apartment at about 1:30 a.m. (ET), according to WPIX, a local New York television station.
Responding officers found Brea, 31, in the apartment, and had to subdue him with a taser.
The body of 55-year-old Yannick Brea “was found badly hacked, decapitated and stabbed multiple times in another room.” [TheWrap]
In a predictably batsh*t interview following the incident, Brea was careful to note, “I didn’t kill her, I killed the demon inside of her,” which does seem an important distinction. Brea explained that he came home to find his mother boiling three chickens in a large pot, at which point he became convinced that this was a sacrifice, and that she was possessed by black magic. Her demons have yet to be found, but boiled chicken does taste pretty sh*tty.
But wait! Did I say this proved once again that hell hath no fury like an out-of-work actor with a sword? I did indeed, friends, and ’twas not a misprint.
11. Out of Work Actor Kills with a Sword Part 2
June 8th, 2010. The headline? “Sword-wielding porn star wanted to kill.” Five months before Michael Brea came down with a case of the chicken madness, adult film actor Stephen Clancy Hill likewise went sword crazy, and for once his sword wasn’t made of beef (get it? porn star? beef sword?).
After leaving one dead and two wounded at a porn company (hey! I used to work at a porn company! that could’ve been me!), the one-time star of 10 Man C*m Slam, was killed during a stand off with SWAT officers in the San Fernando valley.
Hill’s death came just four days after he went on a rampage at Ultima DVD’s production facility in the San Fernando Valley. He fatally stabbed one Ultima employee, Herbert Hin Wong, 30, [stage name: Tom Dong] and wounded two others, Christopher Rachal, 36, and Yuri Drell, 28. Hill, 34, had worked both as an actor and in production for Ultima, a small company that produces niche films featuring fetishes and sexual domination of men. He had been living on a film set at the production facility but was recently fired and ordered to move out. [Yahoo]
I remember that day. As I sat there in a coffee shop taking another bite of my eggwich, watching a sword-wielding porn star get tazed off a cliff I thought, “Yes, it’s a wonderful time to be alive.”
For me the most impressive part of the whole story was that an unemployed former gay porn star managed to find another way to embarrass his parents before he died. Eat your heart out, Montana Fisburne.
10. Crocodile on a Plane Kills 19
On a flight from Kinshasa to Bandundu in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, a crocodile someone had hidden in a sports bag got loose and killed 19 people. If the croc had eaten those people, this would be the number one story instead of the number 10, but tragically, the crocodile on a plane didn’t eat anyone. So very, very sad.
The croc tore loose and ran amok, sparking panic.
A stampede of terrified passengers caused the small aircraft to lose balance and tip over in mid-air.
The unbalanced load caused the aircraft to go into a spin and crash into a house. [News.Com.Au]
One passenger survived the crash, as did the crocodile, until it was killed by a rescuer with a machete as they were sifting through the wreckage. So basically, just your average day in Africa.