Everyone likes poster art, right? I used to post individual posters throughout the week, but that seemed messy, so now I save them up and stick them in one handy place, every Monday afternoon. CONSIDER YOURSELF SLIDESHOW’D.
Green Lantern. All the Green Lantern poster art has seemed boring to me so far, but maybe that’s just because the source material seems boring. Either way, it almost seems like they’re trying to sell this as an animated movie. The only part of this that isn’t completely animated is like 60% of Ryan Reynolds’ face, and he’s cartoonishly handsome as it is. I agree with the ladies, these posters need more shirtless Ryan Reynolds. It’s not like superhero movies aren’t blatantly homoerotic anyway.
(*pulls pistol from holster, fires flag reading “MARRY ME, RYAN”*)
Green Lantern. Yep, we’ve got a few more of these character posters. Kilowog seems like the coolest-looking one of the bunch, but when I first glanced at it, it looked like he had a butthole on his right hand and now I can’t see anything else.
Green Lantern 3. That’s Sinestro, being played by Mark Strong, apparently with a giant CGI forehead. Seems like they could’ve saved some time and money by just hiring Nic Cage or Christian Slater. On another note, BOOM, LENS FLARES 4 LYFE, HOMEY!
Green Lantern 4. Alright, enough with the damned diagonals already. What is this, X-Men?
Green Lantern 5. “Kiss our rings, bitch.”
Sidenote: I still say “green lantern” is a great euphemism for a bong.
Bridesmaids, Ellie Kemper. Bridesmaids opens May 13th, and I’ve been hearing good things from pretty much everyone. It’s like The Hangover with girls, or The Hangover 2 without monkeys. (NOTE: Are there monkeys? Because if there are, I would like to know).
Bridesmaids, Rose Byrne. …Uhh, Rose Byrne is Australian.
Bridesmaids, Maya Rudolph, “The Blushing Bride.” Can anyone actually read that phrase without instantly hearing “Possum Kingdom” by The Toadies? God that’s an awesome song.
Bridesmaids, Melissa McCarthy. I was wondering how they were going to play this one. Because in the trailers, it seemed pretty clear that she was playing “THE LESBIAN.” But I suppose lesbian could also mean wild card in some way. BOOM, I BOUGHT A SUBURU! NOW I’M GROOMING DOGS! I’M CRAZY, BIATCH, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I’M A DO!
Bridesmaids, Kristen Wiig. MOAR SIDEBOOBZ, PLZ. Some may disagree with me when I say that Kristen Wiig is hot, but with all due respect, those people can suck it. That is my scientific analysis.
Bridesmaids, Jessica St. Clair. Can you believe “Jessica St. Clair” is her real name? It sounds like the name of the porn star who’d play Kristen Wiig’s part in This Ain’t Bridesmaids XXX.
Cars 2. Ah, Cars, Pixar’s take on Dreamworks Face. Get it? “McQueen of England?” It’s because the main character (voiced by Owen Wilson) is named “Lightning McQueen”, you see. Last week, someone emailed me to say they’d heard about a movie in development called “Planes,” which is basically the Cars concept, adapted to planes. I feel like that pretty much sums up where the Cars franchise stands among the Pixar canon. I’m sure the kids will love it, but try coming up with so easy a rip off of Up, or Wall E.
A Good Old Fashioned Orgy. That’s a cool poster, and not just because it says “orgy” in the title (though it helps). Wait, Jason Sudeikis, Nick Kroll, and Martin Starr? Why haven’t I heard about this film? Apparently it’s playing at Tribeca. Get a trailer, dammit.
The Ledge, Russian poster. Liv Tyler and Charlie Hunnam star in… some sort of romantic comedy, perhaps?
A thriller in which a battle of philosophies between a fundamentalist Christian and an atheist escalates into a lethal battle of wills. Ultimately, as a test of faith, or lack of it, the believer forces the non-believer onto the ledge of a tall building. He then has one hour to make a choice between his own life and someone else’s. Without faith in an afterlife, will he be capable of such a sacrifice? [IMDB]
Whoa, talk about a misleading poster. Though it does get the week’s award for “most extraneous lens flare.”
PRODUCER: Lars, we can’t have a poster that’s just 90% blank white space with a non-descript title and Kirsten Dunst in the middle, that’s ridiculous.
VON TRIER: (*turns into a fox*) Chaos reigns. (*bites off producer’s penis, jumps out window*)
Monte Carlo. Selena Gomez is just a regular girl (which you can tell by the boots), but for one week, she gets to live the life of a princess, with bags and bags of expensive clothes and such. Hey, have you noticed almost all the stuff aimed at young girls these days is about a regular girl who gets to live a fabulously wealthy lifestyle just by being her special, unique little self? God I hope I don’t have daughters.
Paladin. Holy sh*t, is that a robot dragon? I hope that is a robot dragon.
Paladin, version 2. Was that possibly-robot dragon not enough to convince you to see this film? Well perhaps these cheesily-dressed actors you don’t recognize and haven’t heard of will change your mind. THE OLD LADY WEARS A MUU-MUU MAN, WILL NOTHING SWAY YOU?
Pirates of the Caribbean (I’m guessing that’s my new girlfriend, Astrid Bridges-Ferbey). Ooh, more mermaids. I know Allan Bard would be excited about this. Though if you ask me, they made mermaids look about as bland and boring as they did pirates. Anyway, I like my screencap better:
The question remains: Girl with super hot body but the head of a fish, or girl with smoking face and torso with no vaginal opening?
Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Oh thank God, now she’s with some dude I’ve never seen before. Glad we cleared that up. Is that Boo-Boo Stewart’s cousin? The world may never know.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Yes, I agree that this one looks a lot better than the last Transformers, but let’s also remember, that’s not saying much. And why is new hot chick Rosie Huntington-Whiteley so far in the background? She must not have done a very good job washing Michael Bay’s Ferrari.
Tree of Life. Why this film continues to downplay the velociraptor angle is beyond me. Just write “Tree of Life” and “This movie has velociraptors” underneath it. I’ll buy a ticket.
HEY, YOU KIDS! QUIT THROWING ROCKS AT MY TITLE! I SPENT ALL WEEK ON THAT!
The Trip. I’m not quite on team Steve Coogan yet. He seems likable enough? Will this be the film that puts him over the top? Michael Winterbottom is the same guy who directed that movie where Casey Affleck belts Jessica Alba’s ass, so there’s that. I still need to see that. Oh hey look, there’s a really dirty pigeon. This was a good analysis.
[posters via IMPA]