First up this week, we have Alice Through the Looking Glass‘s character poster for Alan Rickman’s Absolem. This one is one of the best, if only because there’s something enjoyable about imagining a beautiful butterfly as a melancholy curmudgeon. Meanwhile, those curly vines around the edges remind me that Tim Burton is still involved.
POSTER: “Starring the Tweedles as themselves.”
ACTOR WHO PLAYED THE TWEEDLES: Hey what the fu–
Seriously, what did Matt Lucas ever do to you? Anyway, I wonder if Matt Lucas studied Ted Cruz to help him play a character with a massive flesh-colored beanbag chair for a head.
Here’s a fitting, Jazz-age style poster for Woody Allen’s latest, Cafe Society. I like the design, plus it has the added benefit of disguising the fact that Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart play the lead characters. In fact, can we hire this two-dimensional line drawing instead? I think she might be a better actress than Kristen Stewart.
*checks mail to see if my prize for being the first person ever to make fun of Kristen Stewart’s acting has arrived* *slumps shoulders, kicks empty can*
I kid, I kid. This doesn’t look half bad. Woody Allen is at his best when he’s writing for Corey Stoll playing someone old timey.
Here’s a pretty cool, videogame-box art style poster for Captain America: Civil War. It kind of looks like Cap and Bucky are on rollerblades but they forgot to draw the rollerblades. Also, I wish the real Civil War had been fought with only shields and fists like this. That would’ve been a real man’s war. “Here they come, boys! Put your dukes up!”
Even more diagonals! I’m actually impressed the horizon lines match up. I guessed Iron Man and crew get to fight from the higher ground. That’s just good tactics right there. Also, it seems that good guys fight using fists, while bad guys fight with open palms and malevolent fingers. There’s some symbolism there. Closed fists = moxie, hard work, the underdog. Open palms = sorcery, treachery, short cuts, guile, cheating. CONSIDER THE SYMBOLISM.
Oh good, bow-and-arrow man, hang glider guy, and nightstick lady are here! Honestly, a lady with two nightsticks. Is she really a factor in a fight against a robot with rocket hands? I realize her legs are seven feet long, but still.
I don’t really know what’s going on here. Are the eyes supposed to be lungs? Do the Os have the little lines through them because it’s Danish or something? Did the møøse bite my sister? That said, I’m still intrigued, despite my total lack of understanding. Also, the synopsis sounds even better:
A derelict Landlord tries desperately to repay stolen cash to a dog-fighting sociopath who has his daughter abducted. [IMDb]
Now, does that mean the sociopath is training the dogs that fight, or actually fighting against the dogs himself? I really hope it’s the second. Just some tough guy in a basement somewhere going brass knuckles vs. pit bulls while people place bets. But wait, didn’t Liam Neeson already make that movie?
The folks on the top are all looking to the left, the folks on the bottom to the right. Are their eyelines supposed to match? Is this about a tribe of forest dwellers who raid a fancy dinner party at Downton Abbey? Based on this poster, I’m going to say “yes.”
It’s a good thing I already saw and enjoyed this movie because nothing annoys me more than a bunch of good-looking dudes with their shirts tucked in hanging out and having wacky fun.
This minimalist poster for The Girl on the Train is pretty cool from a design standpoint (great use of negative space!), but couldn’t it have been the front of her dress that was every-so-slightly unzipped? That would’ve been sexier. Oh shut up, don’t act like I’m the only one thinking it.
This might be the most honest horror movie poster ever made. It has “haunted house” right there in the title! And the tagline, “fear has a new address” is just as straightforward.
“Everyone knows all horror movies are about a haunted house. What our movie presupposes is, maybe the house is on a different street this time?”
Money, guns, aviator sunglasses, Bryan Cranston — it just goes to show, you don’t have to reinvent the wheel to be compelling.
I enjoy that they got all cocky and “YOU KNOW HIS NAME” on there, but they included his name right below just in case. It’s kind of like when someone says “And now, a man who needs no introduction…” and then they just introduce the guy anyway. Or like those Geico commercial that start with “Everyone knows that if you want to save 15% on your car insurance…”
Oh really? Does everyone know? Then why the f*ck are you polluting my television with another one of your terrible ads? Anyway, the Bourne franchise is the Geico of movies.
I do enjoy Keanu‘s willingness to make a cat poster out of damn near anything. And the kitty isn’t wearing a hat in this one! Hooray!
Oh dammit, the hat’s back. *sigh*
Wait, “rush hour?” Having “rush hour” in the tagline is a little confusing, since this is clearly a parody of, uh… Speed! It’s Speed! Oh, I get it, they’re parodying Keanu Reeves movies now. Sure, why not.
Shouldn’t it have been “get ready fur brush hour?” “Get petty fur brush hour?” “Pet petty fur brush meower” okay I’ve taken this way too far now, I see their point.
OH COME ON, THE CAT HAS HUMAN HANDS NOW?! They’re not even trying. Ugh. Oh well, at least the faces and names matched up. As I’ve said before, they’d be a lot easier to keep straight if it was the bald guy who was named “Peele.”
Let’s see, we’ve got… “La Laguna,” a wet girl… Hmm, is this the Spanish version of Blue Lagoon? That’s what I’m getting from this. But what happens in the lagoon? Can’t I get a hint? Is it just little girls swimming? I’m not going to get in legal trouble for watching this, am I? Anyway, I need more is what I’m saying.
Has Greta Gerwig ever been in a poster that didn’t strongly imply an urban setting? The bench and the New York skyline are almost redundant at this point. She also has a great attitude considering how hard it looks like she’s being mansplained to right now. And by Ethan Hawke no less. Ethan Hawke strikes me as a guy who vapes a lot.
By the way, what the hell is going on with their legs? How long are his legs? How big is that bench? Is this movie about a magic bench?
This looks like a powerful, life-affirming, important film that I would avoid like the plague.
Siiing us a song, you’re the pajama maaaan. Sing us a song night-night. Well we’re all in the mood from the Ambien, and now we won’t let the bed bugs to biiite.
Because nothing says “this is an irreverent comedy” like the characters wearing a clown nose and cartoon ears. Is it just me, or is this design a little ON THE NOSE thank you god bless tip your waiters drive safe out there, fam.
This poster is so dumb that it kind of comes back around to being amazing again. WHAT KIND OF ROBBERIES WILL THESE TRENCHCOAT MAGICIANS PULL OFF THIS TIME?! My God, everyone looks so self-satisfied, I can’t believe there are only two of them wearing fedoras. Also, what’s up with Dave Franco’s pose? He looks like he’s doing the Pee-wee Herman dance.
Fwssssh… nyaaaam… sheeeew — so many diagonals! It’s like this poster is just whooshing around my screen. This is going to be the most fast-paced and dynamic movie about skeptical staring ever made.
I don’t know about the storyline or the animation, but it’s about time we got a tapir character and a pangolin character. Pangolins already look so much like cartoons that it’s amazing that we haven’t had 20 cartoons about pangolins already. I’m surprised little kids everywhere aren’t going to sleep with stuffed pangolins.
So many trees… What will they do? How will they find their way home? From this sea… of trees…
I always wonder about posters like this. Like, did the poster design just assume that actors looking pensive would sell itself? “Ooh, let’s see this one, hon. Everyone seems so conflicted.”
This is a big step up from the last Sky poster we saw. I mean, sure, it still looks like a mopier Nicholas Sparks movie with less Spanish moss, but at least in this one it doesn’t look like Norman Reedus is wearing a clipart hat.
I enjoy this “UNITE” design in red, white, and blue from Warcraft. It seems to draw a parallel between these saber-toothed ogres teaming up with knights and pretty fang ladies and the melting pot of America. Aren’t we all an interspecial corps of warriors sword fighting sorcerers for our survival? I say “yes.”
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.