The summer is drawing nigh, at least in terms of the entertainment calendar, which means we’re going to be lining up for juicy and delicious streaming offerings soon. “Soon” is a scientific term that means “at some point soon”, and for a conglomerate like Netflix the reasoning is simple. You’ll head indoors to watch your football, staying out of the elements, and BOOM, Netflix will hook ya like a flopping halibut on an Alaskan fishing trawler. Like Natalie Merchant once sand, those will be the days.
Until then, we carry on, as stipulated in the Uproxx Bylaws.
Top Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
Nymphomaniac: Vol 1 and 2
We technically already talked about this title in a previous “Streaming” column, as a paid title, but there are three reasons to bring it up again (Vince’s review). First off, most of you weren’t even born the last time this article was published. Secondly, nymphos get clicks. Third, before you had to pay to see this, but now it’s streaming. Remember, you’re not a perv if you just “happen” across this title as part of your normal subscription bundle. Plus, from there on out, your similar title recommendations will be solid.
Now then, back in reality, I’m not going to play armchair psychologist and say this was Lars Von Trier’s naughty little fantasy about stumbling upon a gal who likes to get down, nursing her back to health, and then, well, you know, but I’m not NOT going to say that either. You get my drift.
Streamability: Nah. Go with some nice parody porn instead.Subscribe to UPROXX
Netflix Streaming Debacle of the Week (streaming)
The Nut Job
You see what I did there? Read the first two titles back-to-back. Man, I slay me. Anyway, The Nut Job is relentlessly awful, even if you’re taking one for the team. Here’s what I said back in January, when it was in theaters:
The story of The Nut Job is handled with all the care and concern of microwaving a burrito at 3 A.M. after seven straight hours of a pub crawl. There’s some pawing at blurry objects, cries for help, and hunger, so much hunger, for anything worthwhile to happen that would somehow turn this death spiral into a worthy narrative.
I stand by those words that I wrote. This movie is a nightmare.
Streamability: I’m smelling a double feature! I guess it could be worth watching as a science experiment.
Secondary Netflix Streaming of the Week (streaming)
Speaking of science, Bears! Now, everyone who is anyone already knows that the definitive film about bears is that one by Werner Herzog where the guy got eaten up by a bear. It was a documentary, and it was awesome. No one could handle how great it was. The bear protagonist there is never really seen, only hinted at, and he’s a hungry bear. Like Yogi before him, he takes matters into his own hands, only instead of pic-a-nic baskets he eats a full-on-human. That was the first film I ever gave an ‘A’ to in my film critic’ing career, I regret nothing.
This Bears? Well, it’s a kid movie, rated G. No one gets eaten. It made $18 million in theaters, having about the same cultural impact as Vince’s nipples. Maybe watch it.
Streamability: Yep, blazed, in the winnie.
Paid Streaming of the Week (Google, Amazon = $3.99)
This is a great film, the perfect example of how story can make a movie that must have cost about four dollars come off as legit. I was the only one who saw it in theaters, so I know I’m preaching to a potential audience, let me break it down for you. First off, it takes place entirely in a car, with a guy (Tom Hardy) taking and making phone calls with his BWM bluetooth on speaker. If that sounds amazingly boring and pretentious, well, it could be to some folks (who are ostensibly folksy). For this guy, me, Locke excelled at creating tension out of thin air, and accurately capturing those little moments in life where everything is breaking against you, through only a little fault of your own. Yeah, it’s a film that requires patience, but if you’re a serious filmie I could see it going down smooth. If instead you love spectacles … well, this is not that.
Streamability: I really liked this movie. There’s a chance I’m the worst.